The Sunday Ishmael: 09/02/2025

Well, that's been an exciting week and no mistake. I've been puzzling about what they mean, the pundits, when they say Trumpo the Great is unpredictable. Strikes me that he is very predictable - says the unsayable, sees the business opportunities, tells everyone what he's going to do, then does it. I think what the pundits mean by unpredictable is that he doesn't do what they have got used to politicians doing, which is pretty much nothing. Certainly nothing to rock the status quo.

Apparently, FAFO means Fuck Around, Find Out. I prefer Making an Offer they can't refuse. More stylish.

The funniest thing was bullying the Columbians into sending their own planes to pick up illegally migrated Columbians, after refusing landing to the U.S. aircraft taking home the migrants until the Trump said 25% tariffs this week, 50% next week if you keep on fucking me about. Now, if Prime Minister Starmer rounded up two military-aircrafts' worth of illegal immigrants and had them flown back to - where is it? Africa? The Middle East? and they were refused permission to land, Starmer would just say, "terribly sorry to have bothered you, please accept lots more aid and send me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”

Columbian President Gustavo Petro was determined to have the last word and announced that Trump is a "white slaveholder" who is on track to "wipe out the human species". He demanded that Trump treat the illegal migrants with dignity and respect. 

Moral high ground, much, Mr President Petro? How come your citizens didn't want to stay put and make Better Life in Columbia? And exactly which exported goods was Trump intending tariffing at 25%, or possibly 50%? Cocaine? 

Did you know that there's an offence in Scotland of drug driving over the limit for cocaine? Honest not invent. Bloke pleaded guilty by letter in Kirkwall Sheriff Court last week to driving a van with 14 micrograms of cocaine per litre of blood, against the legal limit of 10 micrograms. He also admitted not displaying his L plates. Its the cocaine, you see - gives you confidence. "No, I can't drive, haven't passed my test, but it'll be fine, just watch". Sheriff Lindsay Fowlis said, obiter dicta, "Writing letters? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Get your arse into my court, sunshine, so I can do terrible things."

So you can drive legally with 9.5 micrograms of cocaine per litre of blood? Even though possession of cocaine is illegal? This is some semantic double back flip. Yes, I know there's a legal limit for driving with alcohol in your blood. In Scotland it's 22 micrograms. In England it's 35 micrograms, cos the English can hold their booze. But the point is, alcohol is a legal substance whereas cocaine isn't.

And the other whizzo Trumpian scheme was to export all the Gazan citizens. (Where to? Nobody wants the poor bastards. They have a Middle Eastern rep for being vicious extremist fundamentalist religious nutters who never got over the 1948 partition of Palestine to make room for Israel. Some are still carrying the house keys to homes that they lost 75 years ago when they decided that a two-state solution was not for them. And gullible - they believed Hamas when it promised to reward each Gazan citizen with $10 grand per head for each Israeli they kidnapped if they joined in the October 7th massacre in 2023. And an apartment each. A bit like the promise narrated in the hadith in the Sunan of Imam Tirmidhi, in which the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "the martyr has six unique traits: he is forgiven immediately; he sees his seat in Paradise and he is saved from the punishment of the grave; he is granted safety from the great terror of the Day of Judgment; a crown of honour is placed upon his head, a ruby of which is better than this life and all it contains; he is married to 72 maidens of Paradise; and he is allowed to intercede for 70 relatives.” (A bit like Biden pardoning all his relatives while he still could). Just in case the more simple-minded and cock-driven amongst you are thinking of popping down the mosque and signing up, this problematic hadith is explained by Shaykh Faraz A. Khan in IslamQA: "God knows that we are, by our nature, lazy and prone to relax. So He constantly reminds us in revelation of powerful incentives to move us to serve Him and His creation....Some people are primarily motivated by rewards pertaining to the physical nature of humans: gardens, rivers, couches, silk garments, servants, and even maidens to dwell with and enjoy." Well, that does explain it, especially when contextualised by this Hadith: “O women! Give charity, for I have seen that you form the majority of the people of Hell.’ They asked, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allah?’ He replied, ‘You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religious commitment than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you.”)

That was rather a long wander down the green and leafy path of religious intolerance, but back to POTUS and his amazingly generous offer to run Gaza after the Israeli Defence Forces have cleared out all those inconvenient people. You'd think that the West would bite his hand off - yes, yes, Trump Towers by the Sea, bring it on.

They were thin as laths, made to thank their captors and to hold certificates of release, in a disgusting triumphalist performance by Hamas. No wonder Hamas believes they have won, as 183 Palestinian prisoners were released as payment for these poor sods. These three were imprisoned underground and seldom fed, as is pretty apparent from their emaciated state. President Isaac Herzog was very firm with Laura on her Sunday Show today. As usual, I paraphrase:

Herzog: Israel is a Western Democracy, holding the line against stone age barbarians. If Israel falls, the religious nutjobs will be knocking on your door next. Look at the state of these captives.

Kuenssberg: Yes, but, the Palestinians you have imprisoned were held in inhumane conditions and tortured.

Herzog: Bollocks. We are a civilised nation, subject to the rule of law, with impartial Courts. Of course we didn't torture anyone. This is your BBC bias, trying to be even-handed. Stop it.

Kuenssberg: No, its not. The U.N. says the same.

Herzog: The U.N. has never been near an Israeli prison. They are listening to lies and the BBC are happy to broadcast their lies.

Trump Towers by the sea. Bring it on.

Don't forget your copy of one of the four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber. Or buy the set as a luxurious indulgence for yourself or as a gift for a broad-minded friend. The anthologies have been compiled and produced by editor mr verge, the house filthster, in answer to the appalled and bereft reaction of ishmaelites to the passing of mr ishmael in January 2020.  

You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.