The Sunday Ishmael: 8/12/2024

As they say, it's complicated. Are we supposed to be jubilating regarding recent events in Damascus, or be a bit concerned that the rebels - mainly Sunni Moslems, now in control of Syria may form another Terrorist state, attack the West and repress women? Whatever his faults, and we are now assured there are many more than you might expect the average English-trained ophthalmologist to exhibit, women were granted more freedoms under the Assad regime than in some other Muslim countries, including fighting in the Syrian military. Mrs. Assad's influence, perhaps. Where are Mr and Mrs Assad now? Maybe they've gone home to London. At least he's got his profession to fall back on. "Yes, Madam, these frames suit the shape of your face very nicely. Would you like varifocals?" And Mrs Assad could go back to investment banking.

Here's a little map of Syria, showing it in relation to Turkey, Iraq, Lebanon and, most importantly, the Med. That's why Putin wanted to stay friends with Assad and previously supported him against the  rebels. That bit of Mediterranean coastline. But he's been a bit busy with his Ukrainian adventure, and the Syrian rebels seized the moment.

The BBC, and, doubtless, other media, have been falling over themselves to get correspondents out there. Jeremy Bowen, their go-to Middle East man, and the most respectable of their Welsh presenters, although the competition hasn't been too great - "Good Evening, Huw Welshman yere", had to hitch-hike across from Turkey sharpish to get himself and camera crew onto the streets of Damascus to find something to film. There was footage of some angry young men hitting a lump of metal in the street and people milling about, so it was vital that Bowen was there to bring it live into our sitting rooms. Commenting on the Syrian situation and who we should be cheering on, Bowen said It's complicated. It's World War Three in miniature here, what with the U.S., the U.K., Israel, Russia, and Iran all with their fingers in the pie. 

I thought that this is a good opportunity to bring a few useful Arabic phrases to your attention, just in case they come in  handy in the new world order. You may have to be a little careful about when you unleash them.

Shem et Duat:    Go to hell

Kuss mm-ak ya'arku shar mouteh:  Fuck you, mother fucker

Kiss oumm yally bazarak:  Fuck who gave birth to you

Aneek oummak: Fuck your mother

Airy be oummak: My dick in your mother

Airy bi mafrat bazazik: My dick between your tits (titty fuck)

Airi fee kus imak eil sharmoota:  My dick in your mom's pussy, you son of a bitch

Koss ommak ala air jamal mayyet: Your mother's pussy on a dead camel's dick

Kafekom kalaman bel Arabia ya hi wah naht!  Stop speaking in Arabic, you animals!

Kl zegg:  Eat shit

Ya mnyakah:  You fag

Ya jrar :  You pimp

Ya gawad : You pimp

Ihir: Pussy

Aneekik o aneek ummk o obook o ahlk klhm: I'll fuck you and fuck your mom, dad and your whole family

Mzghabah:  Fag

Bkem al lailah?  How much is one night?

Musi o anti saktah: Shut up and suck (girl)

Mus o ant sakit:  Shut up and suck (man)

Tfoo ala wishak: I spit in your face

Yin'al mayteenak:  Damn your dead ancestors

Yin'al saleebak:  Fuck your cross

Rooh fi siteen alf dahya: Get lost into 60,000 disasters

Kuss Ummak Bisinaan: Your mother's pussy has teeth

By their insults, so shall you know them. Seems like a thoroughly misogynistic and homophobic culture.

               In other War news, it is not just me that has lost patience with Ukraine. Not that I had any in the first place. BBC video footage of the Azov Battalion terrorising and trashing the lives and livelihoods of Russian-speaking Ukrainians in eastern Ukraine was convincing evidence both of an out-of-control rogue fascist militia and a minority population that was in need of protection. Well, it convinced me. Then there were the stories of Ukrainian romance scammers fleecing unlovable British men. Seemed like a gangster state. Then they elected a diminutive comedian to be their President. Mrs. Diminutive Comedian Zelensky learned of her husband's intention to run as President when she watched her husband's New Year special comedy show. Zelensky's commitment to fighting Russia with borrowed Western weaponry - remember Ben Wallace recounting how he told the Dwarf that he was not Amazon - don't give me your weapons shopping list, Mr President - and his happy willingness to be America's pawn in its ridiculous proxy war is wearing thin with his allies and his own citizens. Only the West's pathological distrust of Putin's Russia made supporting Ukraine seem like a good idea.

Zelensky's five-year presidential term of office ended last May, but he continues in post through wartime powers that by-passed Parliament and suspended all independent broadcast media. Corruption is rumoured to be rife, with lucrative government procurement contracts going to ministerial chums (Oops, a bit like the Covid Conservative Government), and medical officials being bribed to issue fake medical certificates to men to escape the draft. Defence Minister Oleksiy Reznikov was sacked last year amid a scandal of huge overpayments for food and equipment for the army. Zelensky's government has been accused of blocking the release of funds and demanding bribes in connection with the construction of bunkers to protect electricity substations from bombardment.

The war is increasingly unpopular in Ukraine.  
60,435 Ukrainians, including civilians, have been identified by name as having died as of 6 November this year. The exact number of dead is withheld, as a state secret.  There are so few soldiers to fight the war that there is no leave or rotation. Soldiers have been serving at the front for the duration of the war - morale is plummeting. Particularly because it is becoming obvious that a substantial part of Ukraine's eastern citizens have no objection to living under Russian governance - 150,000 internally-displaced refugees have returned to their homes in eastern Ukraine, having faced poverty and  discrimination in Western Ukraine. Because the land borders were closed, the refugees returning to their homes did so via Moscow, without harm.

To avoid being drafted into an increasingly unpopular war, many male Ukrainians have left the country. Others are in hiding, but foolish enough to attend nightclubs and concerts, where they are scooped up by armed press gangs:

Despite Biden and his permission to use ATACMS against Russian territory, Trump's day will soon come - and he has stated his intention to immediately end the war. Withdrawal of American support will force Zelensky to the negotiating table, although his personal interest has to be to keep Ukraine on a war footing - cessation of hostilities will bring elections to the war-sick Ukrainian people and the end of Zelensky's  strange rule. Only 22% of Ukrainians would vote to elect Zelensky for a second term, and 60% believe he should not stand at all, according to recent polls. Maybe he will then be able to ditch the military fatigues and put on a suit.

Bald Headlines.

Aggressive Bald Bastard Makes Arse of himself. After Making Nuisance of himself. 

Middle Class Women of a certain Age furious. 

BBC fucks up again. 

Fake Barrow-Boy Bonhomie Boils his own Goose. 

Former Football Hooligan has Milwall tattoed on his chest. 

Bald Old Git has 5 year old child by Fourth Wife.

 Nasty Old Slap-Head Mockney's lawyers said it is entirely false that he engages in behaviour of a sexually harassing nature. 

Arse-Licking Charity Ambitious about Autism sacks Wallace as Ambassador although he still has an autistic son. 

Ex Barrow-boy's company, West Veg Limited Went Bust in 2013, owing £500,000+. 

Two Restaurants Owned by Judge of Fucking Awful Food Competition went Bust in 2014, owing £150,000.

Polish Yer 'ead, Mister required to "Step Back" after telling sign Language Interpreter to Sign "Sexy Bum" and "Big Boobs" at NEC event.

Stupid Middle-Aged Bloke just a Man of His Time - when Blokes Could Say  Just What They Wanted and Everyone Laughed and Bought Them A Pint. 

How Does the Beeb Manage to Consistently Pay Huge Salaries to Wrong'uns?

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster.  You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.