The Sunday Ishmael: 15/12/2024

 

Ruritania Special: The Gi(f)t that keeps on Giving Taking

Happy days long gone when I lay content in the warmth of my  brother's regard, and my mother's money; O that those days would swift return - but see me now, a beggar on the world's stage, a motley fool 

the butt of every pauper's contempt, e'en the street dog lifts his leg against me, 

each news reader shafts me with her rapier wit

and even now they chatter her weakness through the two bazaars

who was so strong to love me, and I, listening, found not the whispers of my girl, wanton as water, 

honeyed with eagerness

but yet endured cold rejection though she was the citron breasted beloved of I, the Prince of the Cities of the Sea, crinkling the fat about my eyes, as I led her to my grim bed.

Eheu, me miseram, my friend is dead

and my honour with him, for I, I am an honourable man and my heart that cannot sweat is in the coffin there with Jeffrey. O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts, and all for lack of money, that which is slave to thousands - twas mine, tis his, tis trash and now my good name filched which makes me poor indeed. I loved not wisely but too well and sold my country for a handful of silver and a smile -

One may smile, and smile, and be a villain; at least I'm sure it may be so in London.

I shall be dumped where the weed decays, and the rest is rust and stardust.

Harro! Mr Sam, here again, owner of the Fuk Yoo Andy lestaulant in Loyal Woking. Plince Andy come in other day with shifty-rooking broke, say he called H6, I say no he not, lecognise him from 007 movies, but he carr me sirry sritty eye and terr me piss off. Then he start talking with shifty-rooking broke, and say you wirring to herrp for cash in hand, no tlouber for tax man, get infruence with Pitch@Parrace, wink nudge. What tlaitor! What tleachelous cunt!

Mr Wu said...That frat frucker Plinny Andy use and abuse my lestaurlant The Ligid Cock in Loyal Woking for two lears before I kick his frat arse down the stairs two leeks ago.

He came in with blig-haired drag queen called Salah and the frucking pigs ate their way fru the frucking card.
He always take up offer of eat all you can for fiver. We give frat frucker small plates but he sly and go back for seconds. He humililate his drag queen palamour who seem very nice, bur ask me for tip. I say you give me tip. She say, no, I gerr you infruence with ex-husband so you give me tip. Big tip.
I sling out Plinny and Gingey because he sweh all over my top teenage waitless and offer me outside when I plesent bill.
I need speak to you urgently Mr Sam. We need stop  greedy, frat frucker in his tlacks.

Stanislav, Chief of Secret Interrigence Intelligence Service, known as C, because he signs letters with a "C" in gleen green ink because founder Captain Sir Mansfield Smith-Cumming used to do it 120 years ago - well, it is Britain after all (side bar - did they really use to call babies Mansfield for fuck's sake - whose a pretty Mansfield then?) - says: 
"Hello Mr Sam and Mr Wu and Mr H6, fuck off back to Shanghai all of you, slope eyed, dog-eating, yellow racist bastards. Fucking bad enough live here with fucking Jock. Never mind with cheeky bastard chink with too many fucking teeth. Anyway stanislav never sit for dinner down with lard-eating, vomiting, shrunken-cock, speech-deficient, meatpie monster but instead give him quick rubdown with housebrick if opportunity ever present. Fat cunt."

.........................................

Interesting Spy factoid: when the newly created Secret Service Bureau discovered that semen made a good invisible ink, Captain Sir Mansfield Smith-Cumming's  agents adopted the motto "Every man his own stylo". However, the use of semen as invisible ink ceased because of the smell it produced for the eventual receiver. It also raised questions over the masturbatory habits of the agents.

Another interesting Spy factoid, which calls into question the sanity and maturity level of good old Captain Sir Mansfield: In 1914, he was involved in a serious road accident in France in which his son was killed and he invented the entirely fictitious narrative that to escape the car wreck he had to amputate his own leg using a pen knife. 

Hospital records have shown, however, that while both his legs were broken, his left foot was not amputated until the day after the accident. Captain Sir then amused himself in meetings by suddenly stabbing his artificial leg with a knife, letter opener or fountain pen. Ah, yes, they don't make them like that anymore.

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster.  You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

Q said he could supply an exploding sweat band, Your Majesty