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| And aren't I a clever fat fuck? |
Salmond Launches Alibaba Party.
Where are the Forty Thieves?
That'll be the Conservatives. And they only have 31. I have 2. So far. Three days in and I have 2. Without an election.
So what are the policies of the Alibi Party?
Elect me as First Minister. Or Eminence Grise. At a push, I'll settle for God Emperor of the known Universe.
What's your response to this new party, First Minister?
I'm going to give every school child in Scotland a laptop or tablet. With internet connectivity. That will get their votes. They don't do thinking, young people. Should I throw in a PlayStation?
........................................
What are they doing Now? Come to that, What were they Up to Then?
The Bullying Club. Spot the Toff.
David Cameron, educated at Eton College, (annual fees £42,501) and Brasenose College, Oxford, was Conservative Prime Minister between 2010 and 2016. His estimated net worth is $50 million. He is currently hitting the front pages due to his activity in support of The National Citizen Service, of which he is chair of patrons. The NCS was set up to run summer programmes for 16- and 17-year-olds to help them become better citizens. It has received £1.3bn in taxpayers’ money since 2011. Its executives take six-figure salaries, and one former board member criticised the programme as little more than “a holiday camp for mostly middle-class kids”. Cameron has allegedly been contacting the chancellor, Rishi Sunak, in order to access the government’s Covid loans scheme on behalf of Greensill Capital, a finance firm that has paid him as an adviser. NCS has achieved spectacularly high government funding, despite not achieving its stated outcomes - it received £97.5m of the government’s £113.5m for youth services in the 2021 spending review, raising questions about Cameron’s continued influence in the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS), which is responsible for NCS and the youth budget.
Jo Stevens, the shadow DCMS secretary, said: “There are serious questions for both David Cameron and the government to answer. The former prime minister seems to be under the impression he is still in office. Any abuse of his access to ministers and influence over them makes a mockery of promises of transparency around lobbying. Labour has already asked the cabinet secretary, Simon Case, to investigate serious concerns over the former Tory prime minister's lobbying over Greensill."
In November 2015, following Cameron's declaration that it was "more likely than not" that a bomb brought down a Metrojet flight packed with Russian tourists and his grounding of all British flights to and from Sinai because of "intelligence and information" indicating that a bomb was the likely culprit in the crash that killed all 224 people onboard, stranding thousands of British tourists at the Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikh; mr ishmael interviews the Prime Minister:
But
it's back now to the prime minister, who is making a statement on the
matter of the downed Russian airliner, or bombed, depending on which
cheap, hustling arsehole you believe.
Well,
quite frankly, all I have to say to Mr Putin, is that as a student of
history I know that we beat Russia in 1917 and again in 1944, in short,
we beat them in two world wars and we can beat them again. England is a
small country,
 |
| Prime Minister, with the English Jack |
that
is true, and we'll be even smaller by the time of the next election but
though we are a small country we will continue to box above my mouth.
One thing we English cannot stand is a man who makes war on his own
people - Mr Ian Duncan Smith excepted, of course, and Mrs May and Mr
Gove and Mr Osborne - and we find his shooting down of his own aircraft
completely unacceptable. What, how do I know he planted the bomb?
Well, I don't actually know, not in the sense of facts or evidence but
it is a fairly safe bet. I mean, a man who will murder someone on the
streets of London is not to be trusted, unless, of course he is a member
of the Metropolitan Police, in which case he or she is to be promoted.
But
no, I've been in this job for a while, now, and you get a nose for
these things and my money is on the KGB planting the bomb on the Russian
'plane,
if
there was a bomb, which there must have been because planes just don't
fall out of the sky unless there's a bomb....What, the British planes,
falling out of the sky recently, at two British air shows? Those planes?
Well, that's exactly what I mean, I should think that the enquiries, if
they ever report, will report that the KGB could have planted bombs on these tragic old banger planes, could have drugged their loony pilots and that in these days of global terrorism
 |
| Could have, mark my words, means certainly did. |
Well, you may mock but it worked for Ali Dipso Campbell and Tony the Whore Blair. Saddam Hussein could have had Weapons of Mass wotsaname, so, clearly, he certainly did. See?
It is beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mr Putin bombed his own plane and
is not to be trusted in Syria which we must immediately bomb the arse
out of. QED, which, if I remember correctly, translates as Thus Spake
Zarathustra. Or in this case,Thus
Spake Dave, has lots of meanings, does Latin, which only fine minds
such as my own can disown, is it disown? Dispute? Disrupt? Only fine
minds such as my own can disrupt? What? Discern? You sure it's discern?
What the Sweet Fucking Jesus does discern mean? Not a word much used in
my circle. Never hear Becky Brooks or Jerry Clarkson talking about
discernishment, over cocktails in the Chipping Sodom Arms. What, buy a
fucking stick, to watch Jerry and his cringing oppos on Amulet TeeVee,
is it Amulet? The ones who don't pay any tax, anyway. Well, OK, none
of them pay any tax. But what would you prefer, closing-down the health
service and the police and the parks and libraries and public toilets,
or making very successful companies pay any tax whatsoever on their
earnings? But Jerry, anyway, doing that same dreadful old pantomime,
smashing things up and looning about, like Grandad at a disco, over and
over and over again, like the fucking Crazy Gang? I shouldn't think
too many people'd do that. 'S one thing watching it on the PBC and the
Dave Channel - hope that's nothing to do with me, by the way - quite
another to actually make a conscious decision to spend your own money,
just to watch those pathetic old dames fucking about for an hour,
brown-nosing fuckwit celebrities, stuttering through some poorly
scripted supposedly impromptu conversation in some fucking pretend
jungle somewhere. Christ, you can watch I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out From
Here Fucking Sharpish for free, if that's what you want, although I'm
fucked if I know why anyone would willingly watch Clarkson or Dant and
fucking Eck. And doesn't he look, advertising himself, like a pathetic
old whore, walking the streets for customers, offering discounts and
freebies.
 |
| No, you can do me without a johnny, if it'll help. Just as long as you do me. |
But
no, what we want is for Mr Putin to stop playing the sympathy card,
admit that he killed his own people, take his military aircraft out of
wherever it is, Syria, isn't it, and kindly permit me to have my war,
all my predecessors have had one.
And now I want one. Christ, Tony'n'Imelda made a fucking fortune out of their time in Downing Street. Time I had some.
Well, that was the prime minister there, revealing how the Russian premier had ordered the bombing of his own aircraft, killing everyone aboard and stranding many idiotBrits in the desert. Some of whom, as well as being separated in the womb from their minds now can't get hold of their fucking luggage, which is probably just a load of old rubbish anyway, stuff from, where is it, Primart? And cheap sunlotion from the UKIP Shop, Poundland. Fuck me, get a load of this loony, she's so shitmad crazy she can't even string three words together. If I was in the Foreign Office I wouldn't let her back in, look you, isn't it.
Yeah?
An' my daughta, she go' her GC-ESSEES nex' week. I'n't no way that's
gonnerappen now, is it? I mean, I dun mind or nuffin like that. Only
nobody is like communica'in' wiv us, like. Abaht our luggage. Worr is
that David Camaroon doin' abaht it all?
...............................................................
A regular contributor to these pages - albeit in the form of his avatar, Jon Sox, has announced that he is now a young father. 73 year old Sox and his 46 year old wife, welcomed their baby boy on March 2nd, 2021, via surrogacy. Jon's statement reads "In our desire to seal our now 11 years of marriage with a baby, my wife suffered numerous medical setbacks and miscarriages. Consequently, we will always be deeply grateful to our surrogate, who carried our embryo to term. Amid these challenging times, we feel doubly blessed to be able to celebrate our good fortune."
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| Geriatric parenthood - the new normal |
Who says we just do snark and bile? This here's a heart warming moment - say Aaargh - sorry, ahhh
Here's Jon Sox, before he was a proud young father, interviewing Kylie Crowface in 2016:
Did you know Jon, that it was Scotchmen, invented the Ku Klux Klan? No, really, it was.
After
the First Civil War a bunch of disgruntled Aberdonian-immigrant slave
owners set up the KKK, in order to frustrate reform and terrorise nigger
trash, deprive them of the vote, yes, just like now, only they
initially called it the KKC, KuKlux being a greek phrase meaning circle and the C standing for the Scottish clan - a circle of family, geddit? - and the fiery cross which they used to intimidate negroes originated in the Scottish cran tarra, a burning cross signifying a declaration of war, back in the Old Country.
No,
no, Jon, I wouldn't mention it to First Minister Gnasher, next time
she's on the show; mad enough, isn't she; I know she's a woman, Jon,
and therefore automatically suited for, well, whatever she wants to do,
really, but there's just no sense in fuelling her illness by calling her
the Imperial Grand Wizardess of the Scoattish people.
Is there, Jon? That would just be pure nutterophobia, wouldn't it
The SNK.
Klansmen de nos jours.
Well, what else would you call them?
Zombie flag-waving white supremacist mongreltrash?
Well, Kylie, as everyone knows I've actually won many prizes for being phobia-phobic,
so
you'll get no argument from me but don't you worry your pretty little
head, only her own klansmen take Gnasher seriously, don't they, so we
don't concern ourselves about her rantings and ravings.
Especially not, going forward, after the Great European Rejection Tour.
La porte, Madame Gnasher, pour returnez-vous a l'Ecosse avec les mains empty, c'est ici.
Au revoir, ma petit chien fou,
et ne hastez-vous pas back.
.........................................................................
Evensong
Just in case the exciting political events of the last week and their deep, deep roots have given you a bit of a headache, here's something to revive your faith in the human species.
mr ishmael's essays today are:
From Russia with Love(an Extract) drafted November, 2015
Jon Sox and Kylie Crowface
(Extract from All the News that's fit to Make Up) published 20/11/2016
Honest Not Invent, an anthology of essays by stanislav and mr ishmael is
available from Lulu, Amazon, Blackwells and the Book Depository.
please
register an account with Lulu first. This will save you a couple of
quid, as going straight into the links provided below seems to make
paypal think it's ok to charge in dollars, and apply their own
conversion rate, which will put the price up slightly for a UK buyer.
Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links (to either
paperback or hardback) or type "Honest, Not Invent" into the Lulu
Bookstore search box. If you follow a link, a pop-up box asks for age
confirmation - simply set the date to (say) 1 January 1960, and
proceed. If you type the title, the anthology will not appear as a
search result until the "show explicit content" box (found at the bottom
left by scrolling down) has been checked. You may also see the age
verification box, as above, at this point.
Honest, Not Invent is available in paperback or hardback.Link for Hard Back :
Link for Paper Back :
There may be a 15% discount try the voucher code = LKAB317CD
in
the coupon box, which takes 15% off the price before
postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try
a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
8 comments:
Well, mrs i, it can only split the McFreedom vote. Even if it does so perfectly - 100% constituencies for Mrs Fish and 100% of the list vote for Mr Fish. In that event, some of her power becomes his. Or does it? The idea of a "super-majority" is an odd one. Where does that come from? Will anyone seriously vote for either the SNP or Alba who wasn't going to vote for the SNP before? I think not. And therefore the whole exercise is an internal Pythonesque schism that will do nowt but wrap chips in due course.
It also fills the vacuum until the beans can be spilled to best effect. Ho hum. Twenty-odd days to go. I wonder what it will be. She surely hasn't been so silly as to tinkle the ivories and leave a trail?
Salmond's intention is to hold the balance of power in the next Scottish Government, a position currently held by the Greens, who are a nationalist party, and who have supported Sturgeon in an informal coalition of sorts - that's why she won the vote of no confidence. Salmond is not fielding constituency MSPs and his intention is to scoop up everyone's second vote - so they'll vote SNP with their first vote, then vote for the other overtly nationalist party, Alba, with their second vote. So that will cut into the list vote of the SNP and the Greens. This will require them all to be nice to each other in order to achieve their nationalist agendas.
Saw the Leaders Debate tonight. All fairly tame stuff. Sturgeon is resting on her popularity as a Great Covid Crisis Leader. Salmond wasn't invited on as his party is too new to be included.
My quick-and-shockingly-dirty analysis, mrs i, yields the following Regional MSPs elected via the lists:
Labour 20
Cons 23
Reform 1
Green 5
SNP 4
LibDem 1
Independent 2
So the Regional cake is surprisingly small for the Nationalists, unless they gain a lot of Regionals this time. Which seems unlikely (but Mr Fish would know better than do I). He has to hope that the SNP constituency vote is smashed AND then hope to split the Nationalist Regionals. Will there be a great Regional Alba surge? I can't see why there would be.
This is all terribly silly because it isn't quite that bad for Nicola just yet, is it? I think it's not, and hence why we should prepare ourselves some further unpleasantness. Prepare yourself for a smoking gun and some fingerprints.
The Great Alec is capable of spinning on his arse and fielding some constituency candidates, of course. He is banking on Sturgeon having lost popularity over her exposure during the Inquiry, and on nationalists wanting to flock to a male leader. Maybe you are right and there is more dirt to be dragged out which would further damage the SNP. She is pressing her Covid advantage and getting daily publicity for her briefings. He is standing on the list, so is expecting to get back into Parliament, without risking standing in a constituency, which he lost last time.
Exciting times.
All that, mrs i, and lockdown is lifted and we can therefore expect deaths to start to rise again in about 17 days or so.
The toadish bloater, MacMugabe Salmond is desperate to regain his entitlement to take Scotland into UDI versus his protege, Gnasher, who is hoping to gently float Scotland into independence on a raft of the Covid dead.
But would the EU fund the meal ticket of an independent Scotland. Even assuming the money was there and they wished to throw it down a Scottish drain, would Spain vote for a lead Catalonia might follow ? Would France over Corsica or Italy over Lombardy ?
Spot on, mr yardarm. Europe is disintegrating, as the original members of the EEC all face disgruntled ethnic minorities and splinter regions within their own boundaries. For the same reason that Europe could not give Britain a good Brexit, they cannot reward Scotland for seceding from the United Kingdom. Sets a shockingly bad example.
I do fear UDI, but the furthest the SNP has gone is to threaten Indyref2 (goddamned baby talk - the second referendum on the issue of Scotland withdrawing from the Union) with or without permission from Westminster. Should such a referendum demonstrate a large majority in favour of secession, then UDI looms as a possibility, just as it did in Rhodesia, when UDI was justified by the Rhodesian government on the grounds that the dispute between the British and Rhodesian governments regarding the terms under which the latter could become fully independent,was overly protracted.
It would be a shame, I think, quite apart from my personal interest in Scotland remaining in the UK, I believe Scotland would struggle for decades to establish a successful economy and the sort of comprehensive welfare, health and security infrastructure that they currently enjoy as a member of the United Kingdom.
I don't see this independence thing happening. When push comes to shove, the tribesmen will vote with their wallets (or is it sporrans). If it ever did come about, apart from the financial hit, any native with any skills would be on the next train south, so there would never be any recovery. And I don't see the EU touching this for the reasons Mr Yardarm described. Rhodesia was a sad case; the British Govt managed to take the jewel in the crown in Africa and destroy it within a few short years by handing it over to Mugabe at the Lancaster Gate conference. A deliberate act of bastardry by Lord Carrington.
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