Monday, 9 November 2015




That'll be ten grand, duckie, 
twenty if you put your old lizard tongue in my ear.

Oh, it's hard to tell, 'shard t'tell, 
when all  yo' love in vain.

Look, I'm not moaning or anythin', but first L'Wotsernam killed herself and now my ex has taken up with an old man, no, I mean a really, really old man. But never mind, the best thing is to get out there and do what the Stones do best, those  Ry Cooder riffs. 

The Sun, still Britain's grubbiest daily shitrag, can exclusively reveal that American philanthropist, humanitarian and as yet unconvicted conspirator in a host of alleged illegal privacy violations, Sir Rupert Murdoch, professor emeritus of political journalism, 96 and 5'8" has been seeing, as we call it, world famous, leggy rock chick, Ms Jerry Hall, 72, old age pensioner and 6'6" tall.

The world of celebrity nobodies is alive with excitement at the prospect of the young couple announcing their marriage before Sir Rupert dies and Ms Hall fails to inherit some of his fortune.

Another young groom, 

Mr Andy Neil of the PBC and Glasgow University,  
and the man who, many decades ago, putting journalism first, helped Sir Rupert the Ruinous and Mrs Margaret Batshit destroy Britain, turning it into a cultural, moral and ethical shithole, told the Sun he was delighted for his former master and would be honoured to be best gimp at the wedding  of the talented young couple. Andy, a significant shareholder in NewsCrap, said that at his own recent wedding the guest list had been Noel Edmunds, 

The meagrest barrel-scraping of British light entertainment.

( honest, not invent, Edmunds was the only guest, fuck me, Jesus, Noel Edmunds, your only wedding guest, somebody should write a play about it) 
who might be available to attend the Murdoch-Hall wedding if agreement could be reached as to his fee. Edmunds, the biggest arsehole in showbusiness, said that he would try not to kill any other guests during his act but reminded them that his was live entertainment, for those people who survived it, anyway, although occasionally people got killed, by cranes and so on.

Sir Brian Ferry, former  oily crooner  of glamrock band, Poxy Music,  and insufferable social climber said that he was  shattered and desolated by Jerry's further betrayal of his love

 First it was Mick Jagger, then it was anybody with a few quid and now it's this old git;  how can she do me this way?  Perhaps the only genuine artistic reaction to this deep, enduring, personal torment is to re-re-re-release my epic of self-absorbed tribulation, (I'm Just A) Jealous Guy, backed with my camp,  holocaustal vision, It's a Ha-a-a-a-ard, It's A Ha-a-a-a-a-ard, It's A Ha-a-a-ard, It's A Ha-a-a-a-ard  Ra-a-a-ain's A gonna Fa-a-a-all.  
Jerry, I'll never get over her.

Bandmates of Jerry's former common-law husband, famous p0nce and degenerate,  Sir Mick Jagger, gave their reactions exclusively to the Sun, or else we might have revealed some of the stuff Sir Rupert keeps in his files. About everybody. 

In an interview with the Sun's 
Andrew Graham-Dixon-Parker-Rembrandt-daVinci-Smith-Klein-Beecham-Arsehole,  Keith Richard said;

Oh, maaan, like, Mick? What can I say? Jerry? Wow, maaan.  Mick and Jerry? Far out. What can I say? I mean, I love the cat, yeah? I got his back, like,  you know, like it's cool with me if it's cool with him? And such a great rock chick, Jerry.  yeah, man, far out, like Mars bars at dawn, man.  
Did I?
 Oh, maaan, like, me an' Mick, we're like, comrades, man, yeah? We're like Warriors for the Blues, Warrior-Priests, man, you know? And  that's not somethin' I would ever talk about doin' with my friend's old lady.  

Even if I had.  
Once or twice. At the most. 
 You know what I mean, Andrew, man?  

The Stones? 
Oh Wow, man, like, I dunno about those other cats but I'm just gonna go on, getting out there and playin' them Ry Cooder riffs until I die, man. 
Or the cat sues me.

Veteran Stones drummer,  Charlie Heroin, 

said, Jerry Hall? Was 'e that guitarist we 'ad, oo we stitched-up an' then 'e topped hisself? Nah, nah, yer right, that was Mungo Jerry.
 Nah, got no time for that slag, Jagger, nor 'is birds, me. 
'Ad to gi' 'im a slap one time. 'E was shoutin' his gob off, abaht where's me drummer this, an'where's me drummer that. Tekkin' a right fuckin' liberty, the cunt was. An' I was 'avin none a that, not from 'im. So I decked him one. An' I told 'im straight. I int your fucking drummer, cunt, you're  my fucking singer, cunt, awright? Never 'ad no more trouble wiv im since. The cunt. 
What? We still workin' are we? Churnin' aht them Ry Cooder numbers wot Keef stole? Cor, stone the bleedin' crows.

So, as you can see, a tidal wave of best wishes, there, for the young couple, from some of the brightest stars in the world of filth.

The Sun will be covering the event for you exclusively and our photographers will be the very first with the photos of the wedding night antics of the young couple. As the handsome groom spurts money all over his lovely wife's legs.
Order your copy now.
My husband, Charlie, has.
And don't try to sue me. I'm untouchable.
In more ways than one.

                                              luv and xxxx's from Becky.


mongoose said...

Now that Edmunds business is proper odd, Mr I. The bastard would be the last man to invite to anything. It fair makes the toes curl so weird is it.

Bungalow Bill said...

I consider Edmonds, along with Dame Crow, a crucial agent in the sentimental (though entirely ruthless) cretinising of Britain. It all makes dark sense that he should attend Brillo's nightmare nuptials. Were I a believer in Greater Forces, I might try to ambush Noel and pull away his 1974 hair and beard, his parodic DJ features, expecting something terrible to lurk beneath.

Caratacus said...

On the matter of nicking other peoples' music I received a bit of a jolt recently. For years I have been unaccountably moved by Ozzy Osbourne's rendition of "Changes" on Black Sabbath Vol. 4. And then I heard a snippet on Brian Matthews' Saturday R2 programme and I thought, well fuck my old boots - I've been had these last forty-odd years. The record? The Peddlers "Birth" ... from 1969, three years earlier. And you told me that Led Zeppelin were bad ...

Mike said...

That's one of the worst pictures you've posted Mr I (and I'm including Germaine chimp). More shocking than the complete oeuvre of Munch. Saw the happy couple live on TeeVee during the world cup (when Australia were thankfully thrashed); they may even have shown The Kiss. I know it stopped the gobby Aussie commentators in their tracks.

Couldn't get it out of my mind playing golf this morning.

yardarm said...

It must be PR bullshit: even the Viagra can`t work for Rupe if he caught his wife like in copulation with JugEars WarCriminal.

Dick the Prick said...

Yeah - i've got stuck on the Edmunds thing too. How the fuck does a man live his life when the only cunt you can invite to your wedding is Edmunds? I've got a mate who married an immigrant - she was his girlfriend and stuff - but married an immigrant for the documents and then fucked off down the local Wetherspoons but even he had the good grace to get Marc & Rach in on the act. If all you've got is Edmunds then it's not a wife you need but some fucking religion or something - only God can fix that shit.

Doug Shoulders said...

The bird with Neil looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Her parents must be so proud.
Still, she made her bed and now she's got to lie in it...with him...
Too many terrifying images in that piece Mister Ish. I know I’ll have nightmares tonight.
Edmunds always reminds me of Teflon..

SG said...

Yeah - I'd give 'Crinkley Bottom' a wide berth too. Maybe that Icke fellow is onto something...

Anonymous said...

Old decrepit rich men, young money-grabbing women. Ridiculous and pathetic, but two consenting adults can do what they want. Money doesn't buy self-respect, but if it buys a young wife who sees you as a gold-mine with one foot in the grave, well it's your cash so use it, if you are so inclined, to look a dick and possibly get roped for half your fortune if you live long enough to get divorced.
No laws have been broken in the making of this spectacle, so I shrug and look away, not caring one way or the other, with not a quiver of the "this is just plain wrong" needle on my sensitive instrumentation. Who cares and fuck'em, in a nutshell.

yardarm said...

The rotting corpse of the Digger only saved his organisation from legal action in the U.S. by shopping his journalists and their sources to Plod over here. So he ends his days as a grass, a coppers nark, a stool pigeon, a squealer.

Referring to yr great broadside against the half wits on COBRA the previous thread, Mr Ishmael, Fallon, the purpling blowhard prick, when he was caught fiddling his expenses blustered; " Why did no one tell me about this ? ".

call me ishmael said...

You surprise me, there, king caratacus, Zeppelin are utter vermin, carrion - and I would commend you google youtube, Steve Marriot on Robert Plant, for proof conclusive - but although I don't care for their ouvre I had a always considered Messrs Iommi and Butler to be musical originals and the oaf, Osborne, no more offensive than Jagger or Daltrey or any of them.

call me ishmael said...

My late good friend was not of our own school of ranting, mr bungalow bill, but Christ, he could go into one over Edmunds' Deal or No Deal, something which, alongside Mr Jeremy Kyle, I have managed to avoid entirely, I am happy to say, although I am sure that you are entirely correct. Thee PBC has such sins to its name.

call me ishmael said...

It is truly horrifying, mr mike, never mind Munch, the Borgias come to mind.

call me ishmael said...

Back tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow, home, now, from the land beyond the Internet's enmeshimg capture.

Alphons said...

Good luck

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, m alphons, home now, thank Goodness.

call me ishmael said...

Except, mr richard, I presume it's mr ruchard, except that these decrepit old men claim, from their bully pulpits, to speak for you and Iand who would miss no opportunity to crucify any ordinary person whose behaviour came anywhere near their own, to invade their privacy and. drag their family's name into the gutter. Sometimes I think that you don't quite realise the criminality, the vileness of those to whom you take this laissez faire approach.

Equally it is unforgiveably trite to say that Murdoch breaks no laws, he does, he just happens to have the blackmail dirt on the lawmakers. Neil, even now, is his willing henchman, Brooks a horrid slut, along with Clarkson, Cameron and the rest of the filth down there in Chipping Sodom. You bet your sweet, precious arse their sordid doings are our business.

call me ishmael said...

I keep meaning to look at Icke, mr sg, he has been close enough to filth to know what it smells like, although every time I see his name it is in connectioan with royal lizardry.

call me ishmael said...

He does seem to have escaped from threatened US. legal action, mr yardarm, although his heirs and successors will fuck everything up.

call me ishmael said...

You only see the ones which I post, mr doug, I wade through the Sewers of Nightmare to bring you these images.

Anonymous said...

You're right, I forgot to append. I have little doubt that most people don't know how psychopathic these people are and possibly no-one who has normal empathetic brain function can imagine their internal blackness. They are simulacra driven by a predatory instinct. Criminal cover-ups, war-crimes, spite, lies, vileness. But as I said, I don't care that they make fools of themselves in public because marrying old rich ballbags or vapid young harpies is a voluntary and lawful act, and although it illuminates their shallow nature, it is a thing which is not harming anyone else. Unfortunately that's probably as close as some of them get to doing something which doesn't do exactly that and I don't believe that they are morally capable of telling the difference anyway. So please Mr I., don't make the mistake of believing that my indifference to this one manifestation of flagrant narcissism means that I am indifferent to the species, let alone unconscious of what - and it is a "what" - we are dealing with.

call me ishmael said...

You are right, mr richard, most people don't know; all the more reason to expose the filth at every opportunity, to moralise hypocritically at them, as they do at us.

As for not harming anyone else, there may be an argument that in the cases of these two old vulgarians the corrosion is self-contained, although it is not one which I would feel competent to make, everyone mentioned or pictured in this commentary has set a dreadful example, has personified and lauded all the offences with which you charge them, the hacks and musicians, especially, have sexualised and beasted our children, mocked our decency, promoted lewdness and addiction and incited murder and mayhem; to say that their publicly-led private lives are of no consequence is a courtesy too far for me.

Anonymous said...

And you're right too, but I find that I only care what they do to me and the rest of us and not what they do to each other. It isn't courtesy, more akin to a shrug of indifference as if, say, Tony Blair attempted a firewalk and severely burned his feet. A pitiful spectacle, ill-judged and ridiculous but, in the end, an instance of a morally neutral action because it doesn't involve anyone but the party(or parties) concerned and is voluntary. Or like someone who shoots cats with an air rifle but is seen shooting a paper target. It doesn't decuntify him but there's nothing wrong with that specific action and we are, here, referring to a specific action in this case and not the overall evil of the individual. I believe we've disagreed before on this topic and I respect your point of view and you may be right and I may be wrong. Nevertheless, if my words imply tolerance of the type you describe or of the harm they do, then I'm doing myself an injustice by not making myself clear.

inmate said...

Bravo Mr Richard - decuntify - an impossibility for the likes of Murdoch, Becky, Brenda, Gordon Snot, Camoron or, indeed, the Great Satan. But, nevertheless a wonderfully descriptive impossibility.

call me ishmael said...

No, I discern no implied tolerance, mr richard, just a difference of approach to the unGodly.Those who lampooned and caricaturised the various Georges and Princes of Wales ridiculed their personal appetites, indulged by willing participants, quite voluntarily, although at the financial expense of we, the subjects. Doesn't matter to me if our targets are the Ruritanians or Tony'n'Imelda, both groups are thieving slags and anything in their conduct, personal or public which can be criticised, should be.

Anonymous said...

My neighbour has some beehives. My plan is to remove the honey from one, close it up, and then kick it repeatedly until the bees become angry and finally furious. Then I'll carry it into my house, having made sure beforehand that my family have no insect repellent, sprays, fly-swatters or means of escape. All that I'll have to do next, since I'm not going to risk being seen as prejudiced against members of other societal groups, is to open it up and make the bees welcome.
To mis-quote A.A Milne-

"Isn't it funny
How a bear loves honey
Buzz Buzz Buzz
I wonder why he dies."