Diver comes out as perfectly normal, insufferable, self-publicising prick.
This is all perfectly normal, say all the papers on pages 1,2,3,4,5,6, and editorials. There is no story here, says skymadeupnewsandfilth, the PBC, al Jazeera, Fox News and the rest of them, every hour on the hour. All perfectly normal.
For how being gay will improve Tom's jumping into the water, check out our sports section. In our health supplement, Dr Raj Persaud, famous telly psychiatrist and crook will explain how this is all perfectly normal, as straightforward, says Raj, as stealing another writer's work and publishing it as one's own.
And our showbiz editor will learn from national treasure, Lady Sir Elton John, the best places to buy children, should Tom and his partner wish to become perfectly normal young parents, in their sixties. In young, normal Tom's honour, Lady Elton and his husband, Mrs David Furnish, are considering re-writing their most famous song, Candle In The Arse and calling it Candle In The Water.
In Downing Street, unelected prime minister, David Cameron, said that he, himself, would be delighted to marry young Tom and his partner in a normal same sex marriage on the lawn of Bummer Ten, I mean Number Ten. Let's be clear, scowled the Old Etonian fuckwit, this sends out a clear message that people, news people, especially, should concentrate on rubbish like this, instead of scrutinising my govament proply. Not that they do.
Readers with photographs of normal Tom and his normal partner may wish to submit them to the Editor. Preferably with their cocks out. Top money paid, no questions asked