Scene: “The Mad One, the Side Chamber, and the Rune‑Writing Competition”
Inside Maeshowe. The storm is raging. One of the men - Einar - has just had a full panic attack. He’s now lying in the side cell, wrapped in someone’s cloak, muttering.
SVEIN (troop leader) : Right. Einar’s in the side chamber. No one poke him. No one talk to him. And for the love of Christ, no one mention the Mound.
HAKON: He put himself in there, Svein. He said the chamber “called to him.”
ASLEIF: Aye. And then he tried to baptise it.
ÞORFINN: He baptised me first.
ASLEIF: Aye. And then he tried to baptise it.
ÞORFINN: He baptised me first. With snow. Right down my neck.
SVEIN: He’s not dangerous. He’s just…(gestures vaguely)…Einar.
HAKON: Einar’s always been strange. Remember when he tried to fight the goose?
ASLEIF: The goose won.
ÞORFINN: The goose always wins.
SVEIN: Enough. We’re stuck here until the storm lifts. We need to keep warm, keep calm, and keep Einar from climbing the walls again.
HAKON: So… entertainment?
ASLEIF: We could pray.
HAKON: We tried praying. You kept forgetting the words. Þorfinn fell asleep. Svein shouted at God. And Einar started speaking in tongues.
ÞORFINN: Loudly.
HAKON: Very loudly.
SVEIN: Right. New plan. Rune‑writing competition. Winner gets the last of the dried fish.
ASLEIF: That’s not a prize. That’s a punishment.
HAKON: I’ll take it. I’ve eaten worse. Remember the stew in Kirkwall?
SVEIN: Fine. Winner gets…(looks around)…my spare gloves. Now carve something. Anything. But no boasting about height. Ketil ruined that for everyone.
ÞORFINN: (steps up to the wall) Right. I’ll start.
“Þorfinn carved these runes.
He is the best of men.”
HAKON: You can’t write that! That’s cheating! You can’t declare yourself the best of men!
ÞORFINN: Arnfinn did.
ASLEIF: Arnfinn also once tried to marry a barrel.
HAKON: And the barrel turned him down.
SVEIN: Focus. Hakon, your turn.
HAKON: (steps up, carves)
“Hakon carved these runes.
Better than Þorfinn, whose hand shakes like a drunk monk.”
ÞORFINN: My hand does not shake!
ASLEIF: It’s shaking now.
SVEIN: Asleif, you’re up.
ASLEIF: (carves carefully)
“Asleif carved these runes.
He is neither tall nor handsome,
but at least he’s honest.”
SVEIN: Right. My turn. (carves with authority)
“Svein carved these runes.
He is the styrimaðr.
And if anyone argues with him again,
he’ll throw them in the side chamber with Einar.”
[A muffled voice from the side cell:]
EINAR: The chamber is holy! It speaks the truth of the earth!
Scene: “The Side Chamber of Shame”
[Inside Maeshowe. The storm is howling. Two men — Einar and Halli — have gone fully, theatrically mad. They’ve been tied with spare rope and tucked into the side cell. The others are trying to ignore them.]
EINAR: (shouting from the side chamber) Svein! Svein! The mound says you have the leadership skills of a wet sock!
SVEIN: Ignore him.
HALLI: And it says Hakon smells like a drowned seal!
HAKON: That’s just rude.
ÞORFINN: They’re getting louder. Can we stuff snow in the doorway?
SVEIN: No. We are Christians. We do not suffocate our comrades with snow.
EINAR: Christ is watching you, Svein! And He says your prayers are boring!
ASLEIF: He’s not wrong.
SVEIN: Asleif, do not encourage the mad ones.
HALLI: We’re not mad! We’re enlightened! The mound has spoken to us!
HAKON: Aye, well, the mound can keep you. We’re busy.
ÞORFINN: Right. Rune‑writing competition, round two. Winner gets Svein’s last piece of dried fish.
ASLEIF: Right, I’m carving.
“Asleif carved these runes.
He is patient.
He has endured much.
Mostly Svein.”
SVEIN
That’s slander.
Scene: “Ambassadors of the Hogboon”
[Inside Maeshowe. Einar and Halli are tied up in the side chamber, wrapped in cloaks, looking like two disgruntled turnips. The others are trying to carve runes and ignore them.]
EINAR: Hear us, mortals! We speak for the Hogboon!
HALLI: Aye! The Hogboon has chosen us as his ambassadors! We are his mouthpieces! His heralds! His… what’s the word, Einar?
EINAR: His spokes‑spirits.
ASLEIF: What does the Hogboon want?
EINAR: He wants…(pauses dramatically)…better food.
HALLI: And warmer blankets. Silence! The Hogboon has more prophecies!
SVEIN: Oh good.
HALLI: Prophecy the First:
“Hakon will carve runes so crooked that future generations will think he was drunk.”
EINAR: Prophecy the Second:
“Asleif will fall in love with a woman who can out‑wrestle him.”
HALLI: Prophecy the Third:
“Þorfinn will spend so long perfecting his runes that the storm will end, the snow will melt, and he’ll still be here carving.”
ÞORFINN: Art takes time.
EINAR: Prophecy the Fourth:
“Svein will try to lead this group with dignity—”
HALLI: —but will fail.
SVEIN: I hate both of you.
EINAR: Prophecy the Fifth:
“The Hogboon says the Earl will blame Svein for everything.”
SVEIN: That one’s not prophecy. That’s tradition.
[Harald Maddadsson's camp at Stromness. Fires crackle. Men sharpen weapons. Into this scene of martial dignity trudges Svein’s miserable party, snow‑encrusted, exhausted, and accompanied by two loudly muttering bundles of rope.]
EARL HARALD: (voice like a cold axe)You’re late. Rognvald is gone. His ships sailed hours before you reached Firth. Explain yourselves.(looking them over) By Christ’s mercy… what happened to you?
SVEIN: Storm, my lord.
HAKON: And madness.
EARL HARALD: And what, in God’s name, are those?
[He points at Einar and Halli, who stand proudly — as proudly as two tied‑up men can — with snow in their hair and pagan wildness in their eyes.]
EINAR: We are the Ambassadors of the Ancient Hogboon!
HALLI: Chosen spokes‑spirits of the mound!
EARL HARALD: …of the what?
EINAR: Ignore us at your peril, Earl Harald! The Hogboon sees all!
HALLI: He knows your secrets!
EARL HARALD: My what?
EINAR: Secrets! Your secrets!
HALLI: All of them!
EARL HARALD (eyes narrowing): Svein. Untie them.
SVEIN: With respect, my lord… no.
HAKON: Absolutely not.
ASLEIF: They bit me.
ÞORFINN: They baptised me.
ASLEIF: For everyone’s safety. We tied them up for safety. They started issuing prophecies.
EARL HARALD: Prophecies?
EINAR: Aye! Hear the words of the Hogboon!
HALLI: Prophecy the First:
“The Earl will be very disappointed!”
EARL HARALD: I am.
EINAR: Prophecy fulfilled!
HALLI: Prophecy the Second:
“The Earl will blame Svein!”
EARL HARALD: I do.
SVEIN: My lord, with respect....
EINAR: Prophecy the Third:
“The Earl’s respect is conditional!”
EARL HARALD: It is.
HALLI: Prophecy the Fourth:
“The Earl’s temper is rising!”
EARL HARALD: It is.
EINAR: Prophecy the Fifth:
“He will shout within three heartbeats!”
EARL HARALD: I WILL NOT - (pauses, realising) …shout.
HALLI: Prophecy fulfilled!
EINAR: The Hogboon says the Earl fears the truth!
HALLI: Aye! He trembles before the ancient spirit!
EARL HARALD: I do not tremble.
EINAR: Oh, yes, you do!
EARL HARALD: Oh no, I do not! Svein. Take them away. Now. Before I hang the lot of you.
EINAR: The Hogboon says the Earl is overreacting!
HALLI: Aye! He needs a nap!
EARL HARALD: GET. THEM. OUT.
[Svein and the others drag the ambassadors away, still shouting prophecies. Maddadsson rubs his temples like a man reconsidering every life choice.]
Scene: “Human Resources arrives in Maddadsson’s Camp”
[Hamnavoe. Maddadsson’s hall. The Earl is still simmering with rage. Svein’s men stand miserable and snow‑crusted. Einar and Halli — the Hogboon Ambassadors — are tied together and muttering prophecies. Suddenly…]
A small, neat figure steps into the hall.
H.R. REPRESENTATIVE (H.R.): Good afternoon, everyone. I’m here from Human Resources.
SVEIN: From… what?
H.R.: Human Resources. We handle personnel issues, conflict resolution, and inappropriate workplace behaviour.
HAKON: We’re Vikings.
H.R.: Exactly. We’ve had complaints.
EARL HARALD MADDADSSON: (eyes narrowing) From whom?
EINAR: It was us! We complained! The Hogboon demanded justice!
HALLI: Aye! We filed a grievance!
H.R.: Yes, thank you, Ambassadors. Your complaint has been noted.
“Unfair treatment of spiritually enlightened employees.”
“Tying prophets together without consent.”
“Failure to provide adequate toilet facilities.”
“And hostile work environment caused by leadership incompetence.”
H.R.: Now, Earl Harald, as per section 4 of the Workplace Conduct Charter, we need to hold a mediation session.
EARL HARALD: A what?
H.R.: A mediation. Between management - that’s you - and the employees — that’s them.
EARL HARALD: I am not mediating with two tied‑up lunatics who think a mound spirit is their supervisor.
H.R.: Very well. In that case, we will proceed by way of the Ancient Norse Art of Frog Balancing, or Frosk‑jafnværi. The objective is to
balance your frog on your hand, nose, shoulder, or knee longer than anyone else, without:
• dropping the frog
• angering the frog
• being bitten by the frog.
The last person still balancing their frog is declared: Frosk‑Meistari
(Frog‑Master) and decides if the Grievance is upheld or rejected.
EARL HARALD: I refuse.
H.R.: Your refusal has been noted.
Please hold your frog.
ÞORFINN: My frog has gone!
EINAR: The Hogboon says your frog has ascended!
HALLI: Aye! He has achieved enlightenment!
H.R.(briskly): Please retrieve your frog, Þorfinn. We cannot proceed until all frogs are present.
H.R.:Now, Earl Harald, I will place your frog gently on your shoulder.
EARL HARALD: You will do no such—
[H.R. places the frog on the Earl’s shoulder.]
EARL HARALD: Fine. It’s on my shoulder. Are you satisfied?
H.R.: Very. Now achieve inner stillness. Breathe—
[The frog leaps. Inward. Straight into the inner stillness inside the Earl’s collar.]
EARL HARALD: What was that??
SVEIN: My lord…The frog is…inside your armour.
ÞORFINN: I can see its little foot.
EARL HARALD (dully, but now resigned): No.
EINAR: The Hogboon says the frog has chosen you!
HALLI: Aye! You are the Vessel of Amphibian Wisdom!
EARL HARALD: I am the what??
H.R.: This is a wonderful opportunity for growth. The frog is seeking warmth. And leadership.
EARL HARALD: It is seeking death.
[Inside the armour, the frog begins to move. Slowly. Purposefully. Downward.]
EARL HARALD: It is heading south.
SVEIN: My lord, remain calm.
EARL HARALD: I am not calm.
ÞORFINN: It’s very determined. It has a mission.
EINAR: The Hogboon says the frog is delivering a prophecy! A prophecy of the lower regions!
EARL HARALD: Svein. Get. It. Out. NOW.
[The frog reaches the Earl’s lower abdomen. The armour begins to rattle. The Earl begins to twitch.]
ASLEIF: It’s exploring.
ÞORFINN: It’s thriving.
EARL HARALD: SVEIN. SVEIN
SVEIN: My lord, I’m trying—
EARL HARALD: TRY HARDER.
EINAR: The Hogboon says the frog is blessing your organs!
HALLI: Aye! It is aligning your chakras!
EARL HARALD: I HAVE NO CHAKRAS.
H.R.: Everyone has chakras.
EARL HARALD: I WILL BURN THIS HALL DOWN.
[The frog reaches the Earl’s mighty organ. The Earl begins to hop involuntarily.]
HAKON: He’s doing the frog‑dance.
ASLEIF: It’s beautiful.
ÞORFINN: It’s spiritual. It means the Hogboon's Ambassadors have lost their grievance.
SVEIN: And the Earl has a new Grievance.
EARL HARALD: I AM GOING TO KILL EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM.
H.R.: I’ll mark that as “expressing frustration.”
Proclamation of the Earl: The Frog Ban of Orkney
[Hamnavoe. Maddadsson’s hall. The Earl stands, cloak askew, eyes wild, frog slime still glistening on his jerkin. The men are silent. The Hogboon ambassadors are humming. H.R. is taking notes.]
EARL HARALD MADDADSSON:
Hear me, all ye gathered. Let it be known:
From this day forth, by the authority of the Earl of Orkney,
all frogs are hereby banned.
No frog shall leap.
No frog shall balance.
No frog shall enter armour, jerkin, boot, or latrine.
Any frog found within the bounds of Orkney shall be:
• expelled
• exiled
• or, if necessary, politely escorted into the sea
This ban is absolute.
There shall be no exceptions.
Not for mindfulness.
Not for Hogboons.
Not for H.R.
SVEIN: My lord, what about toads?
EARL HARALD: Toads are on probation.
HAKON: What about frog‑shaped carvings?
EARL HARALD: Burn them.
ASLEIF: What about frogs in damp dreams?
EARL HARALD: Wake up and apologise.
ÞORFINN: What about frogs in soup?
EARL HARALD: Eat quickly and deny everything.
EINAR (Hogboon Ambassador): The Hogboon says this is spiritual oppression!
HALLI: Aye! He demands a referendum!
H.R.: I’ll schedule a grievance hearing.
EARL HARALD: There will be no hearing. There will be no frogs.
EINAR: The Hogboon says the frogs are eternal! These are their ancient lands!
EARL HARALD: Svein. Build a frog‑proof fence.
SVEIN: Around all of Orkney?
EARL HARALD: Yes.
HAKON: That’s a lot of fence.
ASLEIF: The frogs can jump.
ÞORFINN: Some can fly.
EARL HARALD: Then we build it higher. And make them pay for it.
H.R.: I’ll need to file a Frog Impact Assessment.
EARL HARALD: I will file you.
Gunnyrr the Moist, a former stand-up comedian in the frog ponds of the West, has been elected to lead his people against the oppressor. His resistance movement is supported by much unrelated wildlife in far-distant regions, so of course the Earl’s frog‑ban triggers the creation of a new, terrifyingly bureaucratic amphibian‑focused enforcement agency:
FICE - Frog Immigration & Customs Enforcement
(“Protecting Orkney from Unauthorised Amphibians Since This Morning”)
[Hamnavoe. Maddadsson’s hall. The Earl has just banned all frogs from Orkney. H.R. clears her throat with ominous enthusiasm.]
H.R.: In order to support the Earl’s new policy, I am pleased to announce the formation of a new department: FICE — Frog Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
EARL HARALD: I did not approve this.
H.R.: Your approval was implied.
EARL HARALD: It was not.
H.R.: Your refusal has been noted. FICE will:
• patrol all ponds, bogs, and suspicious puddles. Inspect boots, helmets, and armour gaps
• monitor all amphibian movement across parish lines
• conduct random “ribbit checks”
• and ensure full compliance with the Earl’s Frog Prohibition Act
SVEIN: What’s a ribbit check?
H.R.: You listen for ribbits.
HAKON: What if it’s a man clearing his throat?
H.R.: Then you detain him until you’re sure they are not a trans-specied enemy frog.
EARL HARALD: No detaining men for throat‑clearing.
H.R.: Your refusal has been noted.
[Later that day. A bog near Stromness.
SVEIN: (holding a net) I can’t believe we’re doing this.
HAKON: I found one! Wait- No. It’s a rock.
ÞORFINN: I found one! Wait- No. It’s Gunnyrr the Moist.
GUNNYRR THE MOIST (frog croaks defiantly)
ASLEIF: He’s the symbol of the resistance.
ÞORFINN: He’s very wet. And he's not wearing a suit.
The Earl is not pleased.
EARL HARALD: Svein. Explain this.
SVEIN: My lord…The frogs are organised.
EARL HARALD: Organised.
SVEIN: Yes. They have…structure. And morale. They've been sending squadrons to England for training.
EARL HARALD: I declared a special military operation against frogs. I banned frogs.
H.R.: And FICE is enforcing that ban.
EARL HARALD: Then why are there more frogs??
H.R.: Your ban has created a power vacuum. Other nations are sending their frogs.
EARL HARALD: Don't they want them either? I shall lead the brave warriors of FICE in their next raid.
H.R. (cheerfully) Remember: this is a non‑violent operation. We are here to escort unauthorised frogs off the premises.
EARL HARALD: I want them gone. All of them. From the river to the sea. Into the sea. Preferably today.
EINAR (Hogboon Ambassador) Can we negotiate a peace deal? The Hogboon says this is a terrible idea!
HALLI: Aye! He says the frogs are ready!
EARL HARALD: Ready for what?
EINAR: War.
The Raid Begins
SVEIN: On my signal…Three…Two…One—
[He steps forward. Immediately sinks knee‑deep into mud.] …help.
HAKON: (laughing) He’s stuck!
[Hakon steps forward to help. Immediately sinks deeper.] Oh no. Oh no no no.
ASLEIF: You fools- (steps forward) oh. Oh that’s cold.
ÞORFINN: I’ll get you out- (steps forward) nope. Nope. I live here now.
EARL HARALD: You are all incompetent.
H.R. : This is a learning opportunity.
EARL HARALD: This is a swamp.
The Frogs Counterattack - The pond surface ripples. A dozen frogs appear. Then two dozen. Then… many.
HAKON: They’re gathering.
ASLEIF: They’re watching.
ÞORFINN: They’re judging.
EINAR: The Hogboon says they learned a manouvre from a film time-slip called The Birds by Alfred Haycock.
HALLI: Aye! The Sacred Leap!
EARL HARALD: What is the Sacred Leap?
EINAR:This.
The frogs leap. All at once. In every direction. Mostly onto the Vikings.
SVEIN: There’s one on my face!
HAKON: There’s one in my hair!
ASLEIF: There’s one down my back!
ÞORFINN: There’s one in my mouth- (ptoo!)- nope, got it.
EARL HARALD: If a frog enters my armour again, I will burn this entire parish.
H.R.: Please remain calm. This is normal frog behaviour.
EARL HARALD: Oh no, it isn't.
H.R.: Oh yes, it is.
A frog lands on Svein’s helmet. He flails. He slips. He falls backwards into the pond with a splash that drenches everyone.
SVEIN: BLRRGH- It’s in my nose!
HAKON: (laughing so hard he falls over) He’s drowning in frog water!
ASLEIF: Help him!
ÞORFINN: I can’t! I’m stuck in the mud like a tragic neep!
EARL HARALD: This is the worst day of my life.
H.R. :I’ll note that under “emotional feedback.”
The Arrival of Gunnyrr the Moist
The pond goes silent.The frogs part. And out onto a mossy stone hops… GUNNYRR THE MOIST.
He is glistening, majestic, smug and unsuited.
EINAR: The Hogboon says Gunnyrr the Moist comes to negotiate!
HALLI: Aye! He brings terms!
EARL HARALD: I will not negotiate with a frog. He's not even wearing a suit. Bloody Disrespect.
GUNNYRR: croaks with authority
H.R.: He says you must withdraw all FICE forces immediately.
EARL HARALD: Absolutely not.
GUNNYRR: croaks again, louder
H.R.: He also demands the right to hop freely across Orkney.
EARL HARALD: Never. I claim these historic frog-free lands.
GUNNYRR: croaks a third time, with unmistakable menace
EINAR: The Hogboon says that was a threat.
HALLI: Aye! A declaration of amphibian war!
EARL HARALD: Svein. I'm the major power here. Get me out of this swamp.
SVEIN: I can’t, my lord. I’m still stuck.
EARL HARALD: Then drown me.
And that, ishmaelites, is why there are no frogs in Orkney. Or Vikings.
Really, mrs ishmael?
No.
Happy New Year.
