People are shitheads. No, really, utter shitheads. You've probably come to that conclusion independently, so don't need me to state it, but there you have it - shitheads. When something happens that beggars belief and someone asks Why? Well, it's because people are shitheads. Short-termist, greedy, lying shitheads. You won't go far wrong if you remember this cardinal rule: People are Shitheads. Apart from me and you, of course. Although.... it is always possible that you, also, are a shithead. Which just leaves me, the only living boy in New York.
Where to begin with this week's shitheadedness? Let's go with the Justice Secretary Shithead Mahmood. She's got a tough gig, no mistake. As of June 2023, the United Kingdom has the highest per-capita incarceration rate in Western Europe. England and Wales imprison 159 people per 100,000; Scotland, with its utter badness, locks up 162 people per 100,000; whereas the law-abiding Northern Ireland sees the need to jail a mere 97 people per 100,000. Britain has the largest prison population in Western Europe - In June 2023, it was 95,526 people, held in 141 overcrowded prisons. The total usable operational capacity is 89, 442. This costs, on average, £57,000 per prison place per year in England and Wales. Its a bit cheaper in Scotland and Northern Ireland.
Remember Michael Howard, Conservative Home Secretary, and his famous Prison Works speech in 1993? It went like this: "I said at Blackpool that prison works - and it does. First, it deters many people from crime. If the sanction of prison were not available, who can possibly doubt that many more would be tempted to commit crimes? Secondly, while they are in prison, criminals cannot commit further crimes against the public. That can have a real and quantifiable effect. Our research into a sample of burglars given community service orders in 1987 suggested that, had they been in prison for a year, we could have prevented between three and 13 crimes per burglar. A recent survey in Watford showed that just 25 burglars admitted between them to committing 1,124 offences - more than 44 offences per burglar. Of course prison is expensive. Of course it does not prevent all criminals from offending again, any more than fining, cautioning or punishment in the community. What are those who oppose prison saying ? Are they saying that society cannot afford to protect itself ; that, to save money, dangerous criminals should be allowed to walk free?"
Well, Michael, if you wanted to lock up more people, you should have built more prisons. As it is, there have been successive waves of early release schemes in an attempt to create enough prison places for new incarcerates. Or, as Michael put it, "to save money, dangerous criminals should be allowed to walk free." And prison doesn't work - in 2019, the recidivism rate in the UK was close to 50%, while the number of released prisoners recalled to prison for further offending or breach of their licence conditions now comprises 13,583 inmates. The Government has said that it is now going to limit recall conditions for some inmates.
Keeping prison officers safe in prison seems to have become an impossible task. 18 year old Axel Rudakubana, serving a life sentence in Belmarsh for murdering three small girls at a dance class and stabbing their instructor five times, recently attacked a prison officer with boiling water. At Woodhill Prison, a prison officer was assaulted and injured by an inmate detained under the Counter-Terrorism Act 2008. In another incident at Woodhill, a prisoner lashed out after being ordered to return to his cell. The officer was slashed with an improvised weapon and sustained injuries to the neck and ear, requiring hospital treatment. Four Woodhill officers were treated in hospital in consequence of the assaults. At Gartree prison staff attended a medical emergency where an inmate reportedly faked an epileptic fit. A male prison officer was assaulted before having a TV thrown at him, while a female officer suffered a broken arm.
It is even harder to keep prisoners safe. 18% of prisoners are Muslim, an increase from 10% in 20 years, some of the increase being attributable to forced conversions of non-Muslims by Muslim prisoners who threaten violence in support of their religious missionary zeal. "Convert or get hurt" is a commonly used phrase by Muslim gangs according to an independent report published by the government. Prisoners who refuse to convert or who stand up to Islamic gangs are at risk of being attacked and face death threats. Some prisons have been unable to cope with the rise of Islamic gangs, and have opted to place threatened inmates into isolation units for their own safety.
So, back to Justice Secretary Shithead Mahmood. She's going to build more prisons, release more prisoners early and limit recall for breach of the conditions on which the prisoners were released. To add to this tsunami, she is extending an experiment of chemically castrating sex offenders.
Apparently the experiment, which administered anti-libidinal chemicals to sex offenders at their own request, was wildly successful. (Really? "Oh, please, rid me of my evil sex drive and let me out of prison"). As letting them out will ease overcrowding and reduce the costs - remember Michael Howard? Society cannot afford to protect itself? - and also satisfies the public, who, granted, would prefer actual, physical castration, then it is a sure fire win-win for the shitheads. Shabana Mahmood told the Commons: “The review (by David Gauke) has recommended we continue a pilot of so-called medication to manage problematic sexual arousal. I will go further with a national rollout, beginning in two regions covering 20 prisons. And I am exploring whether mandating the approach is possible."
That means compulsory. That mandating word.
Doctors, who have always queued up for iffy employment by various unpleasant regimes, will doubtless be entirely happy to administer a drug/chemical/hormonal cocktail.
The only drawback is that it won't work. Reducing testosterone is a tricky business, takes time to achieve an effect and can be countered with a quick testosterone injection. The male sex drive is a complex, delicate, multi-faceted affair and can fixate on some damn strange objects. Sex offenders lie to everyone, particularly to themselves - I've spent more hours than I care to recall talking to paedophiles, and it doesn't matter how preposterous the explanation, the offender implicitly not only believes it but also firmly believes they are the victim of the three year old's seductive ways. Preposterous? How about this one - "I was just drying myself off after a shower and she came in and was talking to me, so her mouth was open and I just turned around and it just went in, because she was the same height as my penis."
Then there are the ones who get off on the power and the fear they instil - and downright cruelty. Oh, of course, Shithead Mahmood is going to set up a positive brigade of psychiatrists who will weed out the psychopaths and keep them in prison whilst referring the ordinary ones who just fancy little children for early release on chemicals. I should mention at this point that psychiatrists - they know nothing. As one psychiatrist once explained to me, "Psychiatry is a protean science. In its infancy". In this context, he used protean to mean "tending or able to change frequently or easily". In other words, they make it up as they go along and dish out the drugs with extreme generosity.
So, here's a possible solution that I proffer to the Justice Secretary. One that will be wildly popular with the public - and no, it doesn't involve the re-introduction of capital punishment, which, we all know, debases everyone involved in it. Take all the male Lifers and transplant them to a remote Scottish island - god knows there are enough of them. Build some nice accommodation, stock the fridges, freezers and pantries with lovely food, lots of beer and whisky, set up a clinic with everything a small hospital might find useful and lots of opioid medication (after all, some of the Lifers will be doctors, knowing their proclivities. Probably a few psychiatrists and definitely some male nurses formerly employed in mental hospitals). Build a cinema. Provide fishing equipment and fishing knives. Guns in case the lifers fancy shooting a few rabbits to add to their diet. Lots of cameras. And leave them alone. It will need a couple of gunships, maybe submarines, to patrol the waters around the island to prevent Iran launching a rescue attempt.
I'm pitching the idea to Channel 4 for a reality show. We'll call it Murder Island. First the terrorists will kill the nonces. Everyone hates the nonces. Bottom of the Lifer hierarchy. Will the Rapists be the next to be offed? Or will it be the Domestics (she had it coming, shouldn't have provoked me). The Drunks will probably take to the opioids, but the Muslims can't be tolerating all that. Finally, the terrorists will fight amongst themselves, depending upon which valley they hail from.
No? What's not to like? If the action slows down, a psychiatrist could be parachuted in.
Nothing from mr ishmael this week, because I got carried away, but if you would like to refresh your memory of some of the finest satirical and comedic writing available, then there are four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber. The anthologies have been compiled and produced by editor mr verge, the house filthster, from the writings of our founder, in answer to the appalled and bereft reaction of ishmaelites to the passing of mr ishmael in January 2020.
You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4
At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
