The Friday Polemic

Wes Streeting launches plot to make British people go to work. 

But it is unBritish! cry critics. For 75 years our people have become accustomed to being financially supported by the State, just like Saudi Arabians. We want a Citizen's Account, too, which Saudi gives its citizens (maybe not its non-citizens, numbering a third of the population), as a basic income, to avoid burdening lower income families with high prices for oil, fuel and energy and VAT. Our British families have high prices for those things. We have VAT, too, and we are having to fill in forms spelling out how sick we are and how we need a car because we have explosive diarrhoea so can't travel on public transport. And it would be cheaper, with no pesky form-filling and petty official-dom assessing truth and lies and doctors (god bless them) being intimidated into handing out sick notes. After all, Saudi's Citizen Account has cost Saudi a mere £400,000,000 since 2021 and supports 3.7 million households, whereas our health and welfare expenditure is £48,000,000,000. That's more, in case all the noughts are causing a bit of cross-eye syndrome, like me - quick, issue that woman with a car, she's got strabismus. So, Wes, here's my plot: free money for all low-income Citizens, standard rate, no extras for having diarrhoea. And a car. And you keep all the free money when you get a job, up to the income level of junior resident, doctors, who, as we all know are bloody cheeky bastards, already earning way in excess of Britain's average wage of £37,430. In their first year, they earn basic £33,000, with another 10 grand for extras, and when they reach core training, they are on £67,000. And now they are blackmailing us again, We're going on strike again, unless we get another 29% - on top of last year's 22% and stuff your poor, your old and your sick. Hippocratic oath? Hypocrisy oath, more like. I never did get over watching Medics "relaxing" in Birmingham University's Student Union bar. Medics and Mech. Eng. That's where I learned my rugby songs. You just can't respect them any more. Yes, doctor, you say, sniggering.

Right, back to my plot for Welfare reform. In addition to everyone under the junior resident doctor paygrade getting the Citizen Account free money, they get a Motability car per household. If there's another car in the household, they don't get it. We'll rely on neighbours grassing them up - that's what neighbours are for.

We'll rename it the Citizen's Account car, which name will be proudly displayed along the sides. Here's the rub - the cars available will only be British cars, made in Britain, by a British work force and painted in a nice British racing green. And to placate Ed Milliband, they will be electric, until he gives in. 

Win, win, huh? Support British industry. Give British people jobs. No more Motability scheme issuing foreign cars to people in exchange for part of their disability benefit at a cost of £33.7 million a year to the Government - that's me, that is, tax payer, right? This cost to the government schtick is crap, really - the Government has already given the disabled people the money, and they are just taking some back - crooked thinking. If you don't want disabled people to have things, don't give them the money in the first place. 

So, how does my Welfare Reform Plot differ from Gorgeous, Pouting Wes Streeting's Welfare Reform Plot? ( mrs ishmael, Wes is spelling that P-I-L-O-T)

Wes, bless his beautiful blue eyes,

believes "we simply can't afford to keep writing people off". He's already told us we can get Ozempic free from our GP (my chum, who needs an operation to replace her knees with robocop knees, but won't get the operation until she has lost weight, was told by her GP that she's not fat enough to qualify for the free injections, so she is paying for the injections herself. She blames her parents for her genetic profile and her mum for giving her food as a child. Maybe she should just buy the knees and "go private", as we common people say. The Ozempic has turned out not to be a magic bullet. But it is expensive.)

So, in order not to write people off by their GPs issuing sick notes - the NHS issued more than 11 million notes last year, 90% of which declared the patient "not fit for work", instead, they have to write prescriptions for job coaches or the gym. His plot is being trialled in 15 regions. Best of luck with that one. You'll remember that one of my former careers was as a Probation Officer in England? One posting had me managing a Community Service scheme for offenders - you know, instead of going to prison, you have to agree to do a number of hours of unpaid work in the community. Agreement by the offender is necessary because we don't have slavery in this country, unlike in some Arabian countries. So, when the offender complains: Miss, this is slave labour, you can chortle back at them and say, Why, not so, young man, there is no slavery in this country. You agreed." Having agreed, they cannot then retract their agreement without me taking them back to Court and inviting the magistrates to send them to prison for their original offence. Michael Howard,

Is he dead yet?

was Home Secretary at the time, under John Major (altogether now, a rousing chorus of the John Major Song, to the tune of the Ash Grove - it goes like this, as invented by mr ishmael, when high on Briwax, having just polished the inside of a Victorian Compactum: John Major, John Major, John Major, Jo-ohhn Mayjor...John Major John Major, John John John John John.) So, Michael Howard went off to The US on a fact finding trip and came back with this whizzo idea - for the first failure to show up to do your slave labour, you get a yellow card. For your second failure, you get a red card. The Home Office issued templates to all the Probation Offices, which my secretary had to fill in with relevant details, then print off on Home Office supplied paper which had the word red or yellow printed across it in the colour appropriate to the level of warning. Waste of fucking time and ink, of course, but kept us in work. The crim responded by saying, But I was sick, Miss and couldn't come in. So I had to ask for a medical certificate. This was after self-certification had come in, but Michael Howard didn't believe the crims, but would believe a doctor - obviously hadn't had my Student's Union bar experience and laboured under the delusion that these middle-class professionals would do the right thing, tell the truth and not issue the sick note. Really? Really? I talked to one of the regular sick-note issuers, who said to me - Look, mrs ishmael, I've got a hulking great vicious crim in my surgery - and you expect me to refuse him his sick note? I have a lively sense of self-preservation.

I rather think that lively sense of self-preservation is going to kick in with the 15 trial GP practices and the doctors will issue not fit for work, gym or job coach certificates.

Vote mrs ishmael for free money and a free car. You know it makes sense.

Hmmm. Aren't politicians short? I used to be quite tall, but I think I'm short enough to be a politician now. I think I'm missing the point of this "deal" that these two shortarses have struck. Exactly in what way does "one in, one out" reduce the burden of illegal migrant numbers? Or deter them from wanting to come here in the first place? If the deal involves swapping out a big, hairy man of fighting age holding values unaligned with Britain's for a charming child unaccountably separated from her parents in the chaos of cross-continental illegal travel - why the fuck would Macron agree to it? He doesn't want this army of homeless, desperate men in his country, any more than we do. The streets of Paris reek of urine and are crowded with pop-up tents. And if he hopes to move these chaps onwards into his European  neighbours under the policy of returning them to the country they first entered on their journey to the promised land of milk, honey and free Motability cars (exaggerating for comic effect - I've already explained the logical flaw in all that), then he has sadly underestimated the hissy fits that Greece and Italy will pull. Mind you - Germany, which doesn't have a relevant border, will say - Go, yeay, Macron.

Nope, the Dwarves Macron and Starmer, are attempting to pull our collective legs. I think Macron just enjoys getting out of France, which doesn't like him anymore and thinks he's married to a very short GILF (Grandad I'd like to fuck). No, not Jeremy Corbyn. For god's sake, no, not Jeremy Corbyn. Some people are saying he's starting up a new political party. With that scary woman, Zarah Sultana. But have they told the Magic Grandpa yet?

Special extended edition of Radio Orkney this morning, drooling about the weather being perfect for the games and how it couldn’t be better and the Princess Royal will have a lovely time opening the games and how the streets will be filled with gaiety and laughter. Orkney College is now closed to the public because they’ve made an Olympic village in there to contain the athletes who are beginning to arrive – there was an outside broadcast from the airport, where the volunteers in orange uniforms are waiting to greet the teams from far-flung islands by saying Welcome and giving them an Orkney goody bag containing a knit your own sex offender from North Ronaldsey wool kit, a taster kit of street drugs and miniatures of Orkney whiskey, gin, rhubarb vinegar and cheeses. The bunting is going up, Bignold Park has had its Edwardian massive gates painted and is now closed to the public while they set up the Park for the commencement ceremony. 

What a shame you are having to miss it. 

Actually, quite a few residents are missing it. On purpose. Flooding onto the ferries to the mainland.  One chap was up early, packing his family into his car and off for a long weekend to their second home on one of the Isles which is not hosting a sporting fixture. 

Stringent taxes for second home and Games Dodgers, Rachel, jump to it.

.......................................................

The Sunday Ishmael: 06/07/2025

Oh, good, they are arresting silly old lady vicars now.

83-year-old Reverend Sue Parfitt, being gently arrested by the Met.

And about time, too. It was as long ago as the 22nd June that I told the Starmer government to proscribe Palestine Action, following their sabotage of two military planes at RAF Brize Norton, but they got there in the end. Palestine Action is now designated a terrorist organisation, following the Commons voting 385 to 26, majority 359, to proscribe it on Wednesday, with the House of Lords nodding it into law without a vote on Thursday. Palestine Action lost a late-night Court of Appeal challenge on Friday (July 4), and the new  legislation came into force at midnight. The designation as a terror group means that membership of, or support for, Palestine Action is a criminal offence punishable by up to 14 years in prison. 

Of course the useful idiots were out protesting against this entirely sensible move on Saturday. One woman failed to co-operate with the police and had to be bodily lifted into a police van. Drama Queen. She stated her position: "Free Palestine, stop the genocide, I oppose genocide, I support the rights of the Palestinian people, I support freedom of speech, I support freedom of assembly." I'll be generous and say she has no fucking idea what she is talking about. She has swallowed Islamist propaganda hook, line and sinker (a fishing analogy), and does not understand that Hamas' stated intent is to kill all Jews and destroy their country. She hasn't put two and two together to realise that the genocide which she claims to oppose is the actual, stated, war aim of Hamas. I really hope that the useful idiots are not anti-Semitic - but I fear the ugly truth is that they are, that London is not safe for Jews and that hatred for Jewish people simmers beneath the skin of the fashionable, left, "Metropolitan elite". Pah (exclamation of disgust.) 

Mark Rowley, the Commissioner of Police of the Metropolis, was appointed to the post on 8 July 2022 after Dame Cressida Dick, his predecessor, resigned in February 2022 on account of making a pig's ear of the job, not having the right influential friends, or being a lesbian (take your pick). Challenged on the Sunday politics programmes about arresting silly old lady vicars - and 28 others, he held his ground, declaring staunchly that le loi est le loi, si vous etes Mede, Pierse ou Juif - or words to that effect, and he was acomin' to arrest your ass if you is a silly old lady terrorist, whether you is 18 or 80. (she is 83, actually, our Mark), and could he have some more money to create 12 mega forces instead of 43 mini forces (yeah, and didn't that fly well in Scotland) and make the football clubs pay the £70 million for policing football matches. Good call, Mark.

Could you now please arrest Pascal Robinson-Foster, a.k.a. Bob Vylan, he of the hate speech and incitement to murder of the Israeli Defence Forces? The Bob Vylan pop group, like Edith Piaf, have no regrets and have issued a statement saying: "The  headline of it is: don’t let the media distract you from what’s truly important. They want to control this country’s narrative to frame genocide as Israel defending itself."

I just checked out the Palestine Action website that had provided those daunting images of their sabotage of Britain's Air Force a fortnight ago. It now bears this banner statement and nothing else:

Palestine Action is proscribed in Britain. For that reason, the website has been transferred to others in the global movement who are not active in Britain or British nationals.

Well, our legislators have done what they can to keep Britain safe from this Fifth Column and our enemies in the global movement.

Four people – Amy Gardiner-Gibson, 29, Jony Cink, 24, Daniel Jeronymides-Norie, 36, and Lewis Chiaramello, 22 – have all been charged in connection with the  sabotage at RAF Brize Norton. They appeared at Westminster Magistrates' Court on Thursday after being charged with conspiracy to enter a prohibited place knowingly for a purpose prejudicial to the safety or interests of the United Kingdom, and conspiracy to commit criminal damage, under the Criminal Law Act 1977.

Pulvis et umbra sumus.

 We are but dust and shadow.

Horace

This building, 59, Brick Lane, on the corner of Fournier Street in Spitalfields, London, could be read as a spiritual space dedicated to the People of the Book, over the three and a half centuries since it was built. Successively a church, a synagogue and a mosque, it reflects the waves of immigration into the area. The land on which Spitalfields was built belonged to St Mary Spital, a priory or hospital (a lodging for travellers run by a religious order) erected on the east side of the Bishopsgate thoroughfare in 1197, from which its name is thought to derive ("spital" being a corruption of the word "hospital".) The travellers that were welcomed there were Huguenots, refugees escaping religious persecution by the Roman Catholic church in France, who brought their silk weaving skills to the area. They initially prospered, but the industry went into decline in the face of cheap silk imports from abroad. Spitalfields became a byword for urban poverty and deprivation: "The low houses are all huddled together in close and dark lanes and alleys, presenting at first sight an appearance of non-habitation, so dilapidated are the doors and windows:- in every room of the houses, whole families, parents, children and aged grandfathers swarm together." Jewish refugees, escaping European persecution, with nothing but their skills set up tailoring businesses in this poorest of poor quarters. In the late 20th century Jewish homes and businesses were replaced by an influx of Bangladeshi immigrants, who also worked in the local textile industry and made Brick Lane the curry capital of London. By 1981, at least 60% of households were of minority ethnic origin. Each successive wave of migrants brought their religion with them and 59, Brick Lane catered to the spiritual needs of Christian Huguenots (Protestants), Jews and Muslims. Not at the same time, of course. The People of the Book don't get on with each other, despite worshipping the same God. 'Twas ever thus.

^]

 I've been thinking about war lately, as you know. Being at war concentrates the mind wonderfully. I remember asking my dad, when I was a little girl, if I would be required to go and fight - he'd been telling me one of his war stories and I was terrified. He reassured me that, being a girl, I wouldn't be called up. I didn't realise then that more civilians than soldiers are killed in war. And I don't think I understood then that nobody gets out of here alive. And there was that long period we all enjoyed - in Britain, at least, when we weren't much troubled by war on the mainland. To be sure, there were the Troubles and the Cold War and the nuclear scare - actually, there hasn't been a time when we weren't at war in my life time, and those that rule over us have been spectacularly unsuccessful at making friends rather than enemies. Why on earth didn't they welcome Russia into NATO when they had the chance?

The current conflicts in which we seem to be engaged - although we are not told much about it and even when you actually experience events of a war orientation - like the Salisbury poisonings or the cable cuttings in the Northern Isles, we are gas-lighted out of understanding the significance of these things by government and media - to avoid panic, I suppose; anyway, the current conflict seems to be the West and the East lining up against each other. Russia, China, North Korea, Iran and Palestine on one side against the U.S., NATO and Israel on the other side. I know I've not covered everyone, but stay with me here. I've just read True North - Travels in Arctic Europe by Gavin Francis. The blurb says: "The stark, vast beauty of the Arctic Europe landscape has seduced explorers and adventurers for thousands of years." The big take away for me, though, from Francis' meticulously researched book, was not the sometimes laboriously-striven-for lyrical prose - he describes the ice floes on the sea as crumbs scattered on a mirror - really? wouldn't they just fall off? (mr ishmael described the Orkney Isles as seen from a plane window as "dog droppings in the sea") - but the ubiquity of war, invasion, murder, rape, theft, enslavement of captives. Humans. We're a bad lot.

We're so used to the Mercator projection that this view of the Arctic circle is a surprise. There's some big boys there, held apart by the ice. As the ice melts - which it is, it is yielding previously unattainable resources that the big boys want. War. It is what humans do.
Here's a few thoughts about War from mr ishmael:

Just  when I start thinking I have acquired an understanding of my fellows,  as with the Bremainers and their talk of peace,  just waving their mandibles at us, all moistly together,  clicking and squeaking, inside  their spit palace, fooling us, in a manner  that results in us not quite being able to see what's going on. Or thinking we're mad and not them.

All of these bastards start a war at the drop of a hat. How can anyone look at them and not smell Carnage, the fucking monsters,  uneducated, ill-tempered, larcenous red-faced, braying bullies, utter fuckpigs. They are filth, they are seen to be, known to be, proven to be  filth. And yet they lecture us about Peace and Virtue,  they have had no need to dip their snouts in European blood for they have drenched the streets of Arabia in it, of North Africa, of South East Asia and of Northern Ireland.
I dunno upon whom Donald Trump has rained fire and shrapnel and other than being a spiv, a ponce and a vengeful, Tory hypocrite I can find no fault in Nigel Poundland, either, yet I am told to see both as horsemen of the Apocalypse, when, in fact, Death's monsters are already stabled, fed  and exercised in Brussels and Washington and in MediaMinster.
The role of the recruiting sergeant has been buzzing around my mind, we are urged by liars and crooks to do the right thing for our country, when what we are driven to do is of benefit only to our masters; the same dogs which snapped at townfuls of young men, the more eagerly to make them enlist for Flanders massacre, now roam the streets again, snarling;  the same  wistful lady arseholes send white feathers to those who object. The SpivLords of New Cotswoldia hector us as though they were Lord Kitchener, himself, whilst delivering us up to a junta of greed and corruption, to an unelected oligarchy of consumerisme totalitairienne nouvelle; to limitless immigration and to the iniquitous European Arrest Warrant.
 The British folk song, once, like the pamphleteers,  a voice of resistance and satire,  has long been usurped by showbiz reptiles like Sir Billy Bragg, in his career, as a folk singer  and Filth-O-Graph  columnist. 
Rich Americans, like the sensitive diva, Ms Joan Baez and the incomparable artiste, Mr Bob Dylan, have grown hugely rich on the Childe ballads of  Scotland and Northern England and countless British musicians have corporatized the treasure house that is the Copper Family Songbook, the banks of the sweet primroses;  the sweet morning in  May; the hard times of old England.
The songs, however, own themselves and exist, still, to be applied as they were intended to be, as an antidote to MediaMinster, then and now.
This one, here, is an historic Anglo-Irish counterblast to the taking of the King's or Queen's poxy, one-shilling inducement.  The recorded song dates from the late 'seventies,  the joyful visualisation is much more recent but if you squint you can see that,  Redcoat or David Beckham, the recruiting sergeant would always see us march to a ruinous drumbeat,  whilst they march to none.
 Maestro Paul Brady is old, now, sourly marinaded in  vinegary showbusiness;  the song, however, a caustic and lyrical refutation of  vicious, mendacious  state charlatanry,
remains the same.
A song, now, for Europe.

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I was asked about Levimus Leminius, whose diary I quoted last Sunday. He was a Dutch physician and author, living from 1505 to 1568. He studied in the Netherlands and Padua and travelled to Switzerland and to England, where he was interested in the English use of strewing herbs.  Part of the purpose of a Medieval and Early Modern garden was to provide the household with strewing herbs. Floors were carpeted with rushes, reeds or straw, for insulation and to provide bedding for members of the lower household. They also served to soak up spillages, bones, dropped food and dog droppings. However, these floor coverings were only cleaned out and replaced once or twice a year, so to counteract the accumulated odours fragrant herbs were scattered (strewn) on top of them, releasing their scents when they were walked upon. Some of these herbs also acted as insect and pest repellents.  Shakespeare references this practice in Taming of the Shrew, Act IV, Sc. 1 when the servant asks: 

“Where's the cook? is supper ready, the house

trimmed, rushes strewed, cobwebs swept.”

Thomas Tusser in his 1557 poem lists these strewing herbs: Basil, Chamomile, Costmary, Cowslips, Daisies, Fennel, 

Germander, Hyssop, Lavender, Lemon Balm, Marjoram, Maudeline, Mints, Pennyroyal, Roses, Sage, Savory, Tansy and Violets. Other herbs included Rosemary, Rue, Wormwood, Sweet Woodruff and Meadowsweet. With regards to Meadowsweet, John Gerard said that Queen Elizabeth “did more desire it than any other herb to strew her chambers withal.”

Meadowsweet

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

The Sunday Ishmael: 29/06/2025

 

Orkney, Best Part of England

There I was, minding my own business - an increasingly rare phenomenon, since we are now required to mind each others' business and then report them - when the sound of saucepan lids being beaten, football rattles and hooters presaged the approach, looming through the summer haar, of a Blackening. As Wiki tells us: 

Blackening is a traditional wedding custom performed in the days  prior to marriage in rural areas of Scotland and Northern Ireland. The bride and/or groom are "captured" by friends and family, covered in food, or a variety of other – preferably adhesive – substances, then paraded publicly for the community to see .... driven in the back of an open-backed truck, accompanied by the clattering and banging of pots and pans."

Here's one. You can see the fun they are having. The bride is the particularly filthy one, sitting up against the back of the cab.

Back to me, minding my own business, that freezing afternoon in summer, wreathed in thick sea-fog. The lorry did a U-turn in front of me, stopped to allow one of the ladies aboard to disembark over the side of the lorry. The banging, hooting and cat-calling recommenced and the lady in question turned, bent over and exposed her lily-white arse to her companions, giving them the finger and scampering off into her house. The rest of the blackeners noticed I was watching and waved cheerily to me, so I waved back. Safest, really. The lorry sped off, on its way to the harbour, where it reverses down the slip and the blackeners slide off into the sea.

This is a bloke's blackening. At some point in the proceedings, the groom is attached to a handy lamppost by industrial cling film and his chums do a lot of shouting before they get bored or the booze wears off.

Orkney is hosting the Island Games this year. Not heard of the Island Games? It is a week long event, from the 18th to the 25th July 2025, when athletes from up to 24 island groups across the world compete in 12 exciting sports. It is going to be hell. They are expecting 2,500 to 3000 visitors. God knows where they are all going to stay.

 Around town signs are sprouting up saying Road Closed. Plan Ahead.

Here are some of the exciting sports featured on the Island Games' website. Below left - bike riding into a standing stone. Below Middle - jumping on sheep. Below right - head butting a standing stone, very fast.

Middle left - falling into the sea. Middle middle - driving golf balls at a standing stone. Middle right - competitive pee retention next to a standing stone.

Bottom left - leaning on a standing stone. Bottom middle - holding a ball near some standing stones. Bottom right - shooting arrows at standing stones.
You're getting the theme here? Yah, Boo, Sucks, Bermuda, we've got standing stones. Got any standing stones, Isle of Wight? Where are your standing stones, Guernsey? Did we mention we have Standing Stones? Well we have. Lots.

We've only just recovered from the International St. Magnus Festival, with its customary so pleased with itself, up its own arse middle-class smuggery. Retired teachers flock annually to Orkney to worship Sir Peter Maxwell-Bumhole's festival for the lower-paid professional classes. You know the sort - they go to Stratford to show off their erudition, sniggering at Shakespeare's lame and unfunny dirty jokes to show how clever they are: "What country, friends, is this?" (Twelfth Night, Act 1, scene 2) and they fall about laughing, like fourth-formers. He said cunt, ho ho. Or Year 9, as they say nowadays.

As the Festival website tells us: 

Running from Friday 20 June to Friday 27 June 2025, one of Scotland’s most distinctive midsummer arts celebrations, the festival this year takes “Earth” as its guiding theme, with a packed programme spanning music, poetry, storytelling, visual art, and performance, all anchored in the elemental landscapes of Orkney. Dear Gods and little tiddlers, this Festival really can't get over itself - we are just so unbelievably right-on, as Festival Director Alasdair Nicolson explained, “This year we look at how we interact with the place we live, how much artistic creativity has taken the earth as its starting point, and even how we recycle.” Jolly Good. A Festival about recycling. Again, from the blurb:

A highlight was Deep Wheel Orcadia, "based on the award-winning verse novel by Harry Josephine Giles. A fusion of performance, music and image tells the story of Astrid – who, on return from art school on Mars, meets Darling, a Martian hiding on a space station struggling for survival. Written in Orkney dialect, this spellbinding production includes music by BAFTA-winning composer Atzi Muramatsu with direction by Susan Worsfold." 

You can't make this shit up. Well, someone did. This bloke.

Here's the award winning Harry Josephine Giles, educated at St. Andrew's;  Scotland's finest University.

Nope, it's not an incredibly ugly woman. Harry's embracing his gender fluidity, and plays the part of the female protagonist in this moving love story in space written in undecipherable Orcadian. Subtitles weren't available. How precious can you get?

Talking of gender fluidity, have you heard the sad story of Jay Hulme, a volunteer at St Nicholas Church in Leicester? Them is a Christian. (Have I got that right? They/Them, not Its?). Jay attracted the sexual interest of another Christian, a lay preacher by name of Venessa Pinto. Jay likes sex with blokes, having been born a biological female and it being quite usual for females to be sexually oriented to blokes. Venessa, however, was not a bloke and did not understand why Jay rejected her advances. Is it because I is black, she mournfully wondered? Because, you see, in a truly Shakespearian cross-dressing plot twist, here's Jay.

Venessa, doing the whole hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, set about a campaign of on-line abuse which left Jay feeling pretty upset. "I felt like she was in my pocket, and in my house, and in my brain all of the time, saying these horrendous things and I couldn't get away," he says. The Leicester police weren't interested and Jay's Bishop, Martyn Snow - who is in the running to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury, leader of the Church of England, not only didn't believe them/they, but accused Jay of being a witch - really! Honest, not invent! Because Jay had been seen in the dark with a candle in church and had a tarot-reading friend. These Christians, what are they like? The tension is getting pretty unbearable here, so I'll cut through and let you know that  Leicestershire Police acknowledged their initial response fell short of the standards expected, and said it would continue "to develop its knowledge and training in relation to preventing and detecting stalking offences". Venessa was charged and in May 2024  she pleaded guilty to stalking, involving serious distress or harm and was given an 18-month community order and banned from contacting Jay for a year.

There'll probably be a film. Baby Black Reindeer? Jay has garnered lots of publicity which will help his career as a poet, author and blogger no end. Hell, even I went on his/they's website so I could bring you a taste of his/them's poetry:

Jesus at the Gay Bar

He's here in the midst of it -

right at the centre of the dance floor,

robes hitched up to His knees...

I can't give you any more, on account of copyright stuff, but you can read it for yourself: Jesus at the Gay Bar — Jay Hulme There's a little explanatory sermon that goes with it, but basically it is saying Jesus is cool with sex that happens outwith marriage between a man and a woman. Church of England, you see. Couldn't get away with these heretical ideas in the Catholic Church.

It reminds one of the last successful blasphemy trial in the UK, in relation to the poem The Love that Dares to Speak its Name by James Kirkup, poet, writer, and teacher. It was published in Gay News in 1976 and caused outrage amongst Christians, its subject matter being homosexual sex between Jesus and a great many people, including all the apostles and the centurion who takes Christ's body down from the cross and who speaks in this little extract: 

For the last time

I laid my lips around the tip

of that great cock, the instrument

of our salvation, our eternal joy.

The shaft, still throbbed, anointed

with death’s final ejaculation

The prosecution was brought against Gay News and its publisher, David Lemon in 1977. Both were found guilty: Gay News Ltd was fined £1,000 and Denis Lemon was fined £500 and sentenced to nine months' imprisonment suspended. It had been "touch and go", said the judge, whether he would actually send Denis Lemon to jail. That'll teach publishers to actually read what's in their magazines.

On appeal, in 1978, the Court of Appeal quashed Denis Lemon's suspended prison sentence but upheld the convictions. It went up to the House of Lords, where the Law Lords heard the appeal against conviction and delivered their judgment on 21 February 1979.

At issue was whether or not the offence of blasphemous libel required specific intent of committing such a blasphemy. By a majority of 3 to 2, the Lords concluded that intention was not required. Lord Scarman was of the opinion that blasphemy laws should cover all religions and not just Christianity and sought strict liability for those who "cause grave offence to the religious feelings of some of their fellow citizens or are such as to tend to deprave and corrupt persons who are likely to read them". The appeal was lost.

Moving on from all of this cock-talk, gorgeous, pouting Wes Streeting was on the politics programmes this morning. Have you noticed how he always likes to wear a blue suit or a blue tie to match his eyes? Probably his husband dresses him up nice before the cameras. Sorry, that's straying into more cock-talk.

It's a bit of a bad time for Labour at the moment, as you probably noticed and charming, relatable Wes made a good fist (sorry!) of not defending the indefensible (that's U-turn Keir and PIP-snatcher Reeves), whilst letting us all know that things are going to get better and the NHS will give us all Monjaro injections if his preferred strategy of everyone leaving out one bottle of Coca-Cola per day doesn't cut the mustard ( again, apologies). Coca-Cola executives were not available to refute these accusations that they have single-handedly rendered the UK into an obese nation.

It got fun when Victoria Substitute

tempted him into commenting on Bob Vylan's Glastonbury stunt, inciting murder of the armed forces of Britain's ally, Israel, with his invitation to the useful idiots to join his chant of Death, Death to the IDF. (Somerset Police are reviewing footage of the offence). Wes, god bless him, found it distasteful - appalling, even, stating his strongly-held belief:  "All life is sacred." Best tell the boss. Actually, to be fair, he has told Starmer that the NHS can't afford to kill all the people who will queue up to kill themselves once the Assisted Suicide Dying Bill is enacted in law. Then there's the Dead Babies Bill. Don't misunderstand me - I think there's far too many people on the planet, and they can't all move to the Highlands of Scotland - but I don't go round declaring passionately that all life is sacred. Bollocks. 

I need a little lie down now and perhaps a few strewing herbs:

The Dutch traveller Levimus Leminius, whilst visiting England in 1560 wrote in his diary:

“Their chambers and parlours strawed over with sweet herbes refreshed mee; their nosegays finely intermingled with sundry sorts of fragraunt floures, in their bed chambers and privy rooms with comfortable smell cheered me up and entirely delygted all my senses.”

....................................................................................

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

The Sunday Ishmael: 22/06/2025

 

They are not a protest group. On its own website, Palestine Action describes itself thusly:  "Direct action, which we employ, bypasses our complicit government and forces the necessary change ourselves – it doesn’t involve appealing to those who perpetrate Palestinian oppression."

I daresay there are a few idealistic and insufficiently informed students who are useful idiots within their ranks, but, in essence, this is a Fifth Column organisation, which has pitted itself against the British Government, its foreign policy and its allies. The suggestion is that it is funded and supported by a foreign government.

Palestine Action boasts on its website:

Through sustained direct action, Palestine Action has forced Elbit to shut down weapons factories, lose lucrative contracts and partnerships with several other firms.


So, Palestine Action cares not at all about the jobs of British working people, nor about legitimate business. It is wholly committed to advancing the interests of Britain's enemies and reducing the capacity of our ally, Israel, to defend itself from invasion, incursion and missile attack from Iran and its proxies who have clearly stated, multiple times, their intent to eradicate the Jewish people and wipe the state of Israel from the map.

The latest direct action, better described as treasonous sabotage, was to attack Britain's defence capability. Again, from their website and in their own words;

"Palestine Action have damaged two military planes at RAF Brize Norton..... Two activists broke into the largest air force base in Britain and used electric scooters to swiftly manoeuvre towards the planes. They used repurposed fire extinguishers to spray red paint into the turbine engines of two Airbus Voyagers and caused further damage using crowbars. Red paint.... was also sprayed across the runway and a Palestine flag was left on the scene. Both activists managed to evade security and arrest. "

They boast that they put the planes out of service. God knows, Britain's air force, fleet and soldiers are scant enough - and these traitorous "activists" have further reduced our capacity at a time of war. They are either utter charlies or traitors - I'm not accepting idealist humanitarians as a defence here. It is too serious.

Wiki defines Fifth Column as: "A fifth column is a group of people who undermine a larger group or nation from within, usually in favour of an enemy group or another nation. The activities of a fifth column can be overt or clandestine. Forces gathered in secret can mobilize openly to assist an external attack. The term is also applied to organized actions by military personnel. Clandestine fifth column activities can involve acts of sabotage, disinformation, espionage or terrorism executed within defence lines by secret sympathizers with an external force."

Time to proscribe the organisation, remove its website, arrest its members and freeze its funding. There's a world of difference between going on a march whilst mouthing offensive platitudes about Gaza and disabling Britain's Air Force. 

As for the foolish young people who have enjoyed dressing in red boiler suits and letting off smoke bombs - is there anywhere we can deport them to? Where they may feel more culturally aligned with the regime? At least can we show them the unedited footage of the October 7th massacre, as recorded by Hamas terrorist body cameras so Hamas could boast about what they had done in pursuit of their goal to eradicate Jews? Excuse me, isn't that genocide? The film that Self Publicist Dwarf Thunderberg and her disciples refused to watch after being apprehended by Israeli Defence Forces during their laughable, publicity seeking attempt to bring in by boat a token quantity of aid, for fuck's sake, into Gaza? Defence Minister Israel Katz said  he'd instructed IDF officials to show the activists the full, unedited footage of the October 7 attacks. "It is appropriate that the anti-Semitic Greta and her fellow Hamas supporters see exactly who the Hamas terrorist organization they came to support and for whom they work is, what atrocities they committed against women, the elderly, and children, and against whom Israel is fighting to defend itself,' he said.

 "Greta and her flotilla companions were taken into a room upon their arrival to the screening of the horror film of the October 7 massacre... when they saw what it was about, they refused to continue watching. The anti-Semitic flotilla members are turning a blind eye to the truth and have proven once again that they prefer the murderers to the murdered and continue to ignore the atrocities committed by Hamas against Jewish and Israeli women, adults, and children."

The Middle East, apart from Iran, natch, is breathing a collective sigh of relief and quietly thanking President Trump and Allah ( the merciful, etc), who directed that assassin's bullet to clip the presidential ear and not plough into the presidential brain. As Tom Tugendhat, MP for Tonbridge and former Minister of State for Security, pointed out this morning - not one of the Middle Eastern neighbours of Iran has condemned American action in removing Iran's nuclear capabilities with extreme prejudice. Everyone is delighted. No-one wants a nuked-up Iran. Apart from the appalling Coventry MP Zarah Sultana, 

appearing on the Laura Kuenssberg politics show this morning, to sneer at everyone, and tell us it was just like 2003 again, and, of course, the hysterical Iranian Ambassador; there was dignified jubilating.

Jonathan Reynolds,  Secretary of State for Business and Trade and President of the Board of Trade, was trotted out on the politics programmes to comment on the Trumpian development. Odd that. You'd think Government would have punted a spokesman with a more active defence role in theses parlous times - but maybe they want the nation to consider the business aspects of these Middle Eastern adventures. Anyway, don't you think he looks like a minor royal now he's grown the beard? Albeit with a Durham accent. He can certainly summon regal gravitas when he wants to - as when he informed us that “not a week goes by” without Iran targeting cyber attacks on the UK’s critical national infrastructure, and that 20 state-backed plots by Iran in Britain have been foiled since 2022.  We'll just have to take that on trust, I suppose, as it would be a breach of national security to tell us just how much of a threat we are living under. And this is the legacy of the lies the Labour Government told us back in 2003 to persuade the nation to wage war on Iraq on account of their "weapons of mass destruction" - Sultana can call in aid the Alistair Campbell fake dossier to cast doubt on the threat that Iran now poses -well, posed, until the US took out three nuclear sites in Iran at midnight yesterday. Trouble is, Beardie Jonathan is known for being a little economical with the actualité : back in February he was facing calls to resign after falsely claiming to be a solicitor on his online C.V. He subsequently updated his profile to say that he was a "trainee solicitor", not a solicitor, in the Manchester Branch of the Addleshaw Goddard law firm between 2009 and 2010. 

I think he's telling the truth about Iran - but, as ever, we just have to take it on trust.

By the way, the Israeli Defence Forces have just recovered the dead bodies of three hostages captured without provocation or declaration of war on Israeli territory and held prisoner, illegally, since October 2023, in the Hamas hell hole of tunnels created with stolen Western aid. There are 50 more hostages still held by Hamas. Hamas, just to remind ourselves, is a terrorist organisation funded and supported by Iran, as are Hezbollah and the Houthis. All committed to murdering the entirety of the Jewish people in Israel. Again, Genocide, much?

These gentlemen are Houthis. Yemen’s Houthi-led rebel government has announced its full backing for the group’s armed wing, which vowed to target American ships in the Red Sea following the United States having bombed Iran's nuclear facilities. The Houthis declared in a statement issued on Saturday: “We affirm the Republic of Yemen’s commitment to the armed forces’ declaration that they were ready to target US ships and warships in the Red Sea.” 

They really shouldn't. President Trump won't like that.

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

The Sunday Ishmael: 15/06/2025

 "Let's ask the cook what he thinks."

"Well, Laura, thank you for having me and I think that we shouldn't forget the people of Gaza. And we should ask the people of Israel what they think about Netanyahu."

In what alternative universe do I give two flying fucks what the frigging cook thinks? But, believe it or not, there he was on the Kuenssberg Politics Show this morning, right up there with half-way serious people, giving us the benefit of his studied reflections on the Middle East situation. Specifically, Israel having done the civilised world - indeed the world - a massive favour by taking out Iran's nuclear capability. Dear God, I sincerely hope they have taken out Iran's nuclear capability. And so cleverly and courageously, hand in glove with President Trump, backing up his ultimatum that Iran had 60 days to agree to a new deal on nuclear development and military activity. And in Israel went on Day 61, Iran, of course having never had the slightest intention of agreeing to anything. As Trump said, laconically, "they should have done a deal".

I can see why the BBC might have thought that the cook could make a useful contribution to the discussion. Laura introduced him as a green activist, and you'd think someone who self-publicises as caring about the environment could have some pithy things to say about the impact of a nuclear winter. Like you wouldn't be able to do a ten-bird roast on account of there won't be ten birds left not already charred into a smoking heap. But no, he needed to swing his pro-Hamas credentials at the viewers. Couldn't be shifted to consider the possibilities inherent in Iran tooling itself up with nukes, despite the BBC giving a platform to a cold-eyed spokesman for the Iranian regime, who told us that if Britain involves itself then it becomes a target. So, time for a short sharp extract from mr. ishmael's:

HOW TO KILL AND EAT A TV COOK.

They're everywhere, useless fucking bastards, cooks,  in the bookshops and all over the telly. Used to be cops, doctors, lawyers, cowboys and Panorama, now it's fucking cooks, although they call themselves chefs, even if, not counting  soufflé and sauté, none of them can speak a word of French, apart from the French fuckers.  Why don't those fucking Roux brother bastards stay in France,  if they're so good at la belle cuisine.  Frog wankers. Probably wouldn't get a job washing the pots in a French transport café but pop over here on Eurostar  and people're falling all over themselves to pay hundreds of pounds for their fucking rubbish,  Ees zee apple pie, 'ow my Mama used to make eet, Ah, I can steel smell zee apples and zee cinnamon, eet ees tres deliceueueueueuese, zat weel be twenty five pounds, s'il vous plait, you Anglaise pig, Non, ees not for zee 'ole pie, ees for zis tiny leedle portion. Time  to kill the gobby fag bastards, and eat them. Frog, English, Spic, Wop, Dago or Chink, take your pick. What sort of a job is it, for a bloke, fucking about with egg whites? Country's hurtling down the toilet and you can't turn on the telly without some fucking mouthy  cook with an Equity card, larging it, with fucking  fresh chilies, is it chilies or chilis, I don't know, not the sort of thing a decent Briton should know. 

 For a special treat, catch your Hugh Fearnly-Wanker - if you just stand there with a camera, he'll march up to you and start trying to make you feel guilty or stupid or both, for not being a pretend farmer and pretend restaurateur, like he isn't, at least not without a C4 production crew of scores - seedsmen,  food technicians, gardeners, labourers, drivers, all perpetuating this myth that clever, resourceful, industrious and ethical  Hugh does all this, just him and his  ghastly family and his pretend neighbours, the horrible fucking bastard.

and tie him by his lank, greasy hair, the dirty fucking bastard,  to a centrifuge, spin at 5,000 rpm for three hours, until he's dead.  If you want to hit him with a big stick as he spins around, that's all very well and will help tenderise the meat. When he's dead, chop off his arms and legs and head and throw in the stockpot, this makes a really good mediaeval stock, if you add enough OXO cubes and monosodium glutamate, put all his guts and organs in the bin for the dogs, and leave him to marinade in a mixture of  fennel and beetroot  and freshly picked privet leaves and store in a fridge until required.

When it's time to cook, roast in a hot oven until the juices run clear, or it's all burnt to fuck, like Jamie does.

........................................................................

Right, that's out of my system, so back to politics. None of the politicians doing the rounds this morning on the various politics shows would be drawn on where the fighter jets that Britain has deployed to the Middle East are actually going, what they will be used for, and on whose side they will be fighting. Rachel Reeves said they were there as a "precautionary measure". You can bet the house, though, that they are not there to defend Tehran. Mel Stride, Shadow Chancellor, said he supported the Israeli action against Iran as the intelligence showed that Iran was close to a viable nuclear weapon. Well, duh, that's why America was negotiating with Iran. Reeves said the UK government is "very concerned" about Iran building nuclear weapons. Good to know. Both Reeves and Stride and everyone else urged "the need for de-escalation in the region." I wonder how they are going to do that? 

In amongst the careful diplomatic language, it is pretty clear that Israel's initiative has caused approval and relief. No-one in Britain, especially in the Labour administration, is saying thanks, however,  because, I suspect, of this:

These chaps are Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif of Pakistan and Iranian President Dr Masoud Pezeshkian. According to PTV News, Shehbaz Sharif got straight on the phone to Pezeshkian to assure him that Pakistan stands in complete solidarity with the “brotherly people of Iran against Israel’s unprovoked and unjustified aggression”. He condemned Israel's "provocations and adventurism," calling them a serious threat to regional and global peace and stability.  As reported on Radio Pakistan,  Defence Minister Khawaja Asif said on Saturday that Pakistan will “safeguard Iran’s interests”. 

Condemning the Israeli attack on Pakistan’s “neighbour and fraternal country” during a session of parliament, the defence minister urged that a meeting of the Organisation of Islamic Cooperation be convened to launch an initiative that “manifests the unity of [the] Muslim Ummah. He said: “Pakistan stands firm on its traditional stance, as it has neither recognised Israel nor established relations with it. “Pakistan will safeguard Iran’s interests at all international fora, including the United Nations.”

So what has that got to do with Sir Steer Calmer, mrs ishmael? Oh, come on. The man is in hock to the Muslim vote. He is terrified of losing his Muslim support. He is terrified of civil unrest and another hot summer of rioting on the streets of Britain's cities. He's only just given in and agreed a national inquiry into the euphemistically-named "grooming gangs". And which Muslims is our Prime Minister so concerned not to offend? Muslims of Pakistani origin. 

.....................................................................

For how long will the Labour Government continue to tell the nation that they inherited a "financial blackhole" of £22 billion? It is already old. Rachel Reeves took it out for a walk again this week with her Spending Review. Here's a plan to plug it.

The San José galleon was carrying an estimated £16 billion in treasure on its homeward journey to Spain to finance a war against Britain when it was sunk just outside the Columbian city of Cartagena by the British Royal Navy in 1708 (yeay us). 600 crew members went down with the ship (okay, maybe not yeay, us).

 Colombia announced the discovery of the wreckage in 2015 and is setting about conducting an inventory of the contents "to inform academic studies" the Columbian Institute of Anthropology and History said. The project will use remote sensors to generate images of the site and underwater robots to take readings. But the thing is, it isn't theirs. Just because it went down in Columbian waters doesn't make it theirs. Does it? Spain says it's theirs - which it most certainly was and wants the Columbians to keep their hands off, as does the U.S. Salvage company, Sea Search Armada, whose predecessor organisation found the wreck. That case is still going through the courts - Sea Search-Armada, LLC v. Republic of Colombia, PCA Case No. 2023-37.

But hey - really, its ours. The Royal Navy defeated it, and had it not sunk, it would have been sailed back to Britain, as a prize of war, relieved of its treasure which would have funded the war against Spain, would have been renamed and brought into service in the Royal Navy.

There you go, Rachel. Get on the phone to some adventurous lawyers and start plugging that black hole. 

...................................................

Talking of adventurous lawyers, 

Yes, I know he looks like Dracula

Aamer Anwar, the amazing Glaswegian lawyer who took on the case on a pro bono basis of Sheku Bayoh, killed by the police, has now interested himself in the appeal of Michael Ross. Convicted of murdering a waiter in an Indian restaurant, in Kirkwall, Orkney, Ross, then a child of 15, donned a balaclava, equipped himself with a gun and ammunition supposedly from his father's stash, but never recovered, entered the restaurant in full view of diners, shot the waiter with deadly and fatal accuracy, then left. He was not apprehended until 14 years later, by which time he had become a decorated soldier in the British Army, married and fathered two children. He and his family have maintained his innocence. As we know, it does you no good when serving a life sentence to say you didn't do it, because that means you cannot address your offending behaviour and reduce the risk of committing further offences. You end up serving your whole sentence. There's a new Prime documentary The Orkney Assassin which has interviews with the families of Ross and his victim, Shamsuddin Mahood. Worth having a look - the whole thing is very odd, not least the fact that Ross' father, Eddie, a serving police officer at the time, deeply involved in the investigation of the murder, was convicted of Perverting the Course of Justice and sentenced to four years, of which he served two. See what you think.

If Department Q and The Outrun haven't put you off island life, The Orkney Assassin certainly will.

......................................................................

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of Stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.