Tuesday, 17 May 2011

ARMY NEWS. BY OUR DEFENCE CORRESPONDENT, MS VICKY TITS, WHOSE HUSBAND IS A SERVING OFFICER, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER CAREER PROFILE, STILL ALIVE.

BRITAIN MUST ATTACK PORTUGAL. CHIEF OF THE DEFENCE STAFF.


WE SIMPLY MUST KILL PEOPLE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY,
PLEASE LET ME.

It is the only way, said Chief of the Defence Staff, Major-General Sir Rupert Golightly-Jockstrap, in his deep, brown voice, that we can properly blame the Portugeezers for the disappearance of young Madeleine Wotsit and completely exonerate her parents, Dr Gerry, the ventriloquist  and Doctor Cilla, his dummy, of spurious charges that they were in any way derelict in their parental duty by leaving the wee lassie of three, alone in a strange room, in a strange country, in charge of her two younger siblings, whilst they were out on the piss, like good, loving responsible British parents do, every last one of them.



Now, I know very well, continued Sir Rupert, described as a soldiers' soldier, that they first said they locked the door and then they said that they didn't and I know that before they phoned the Portugeezer Filth they phoned a team of UK PR wankers and shitty lawyers and journalists - scum of the Earth, to my mind, firing squad's too good for them -  and I know that they refused to answer perfectly legitimate questions from the Portugeezers which any decent parent would have been keen to answer and that on top of that they are two of the most repellent celebrities of our admittedly unwholesome celebrity era but even so, war is war and that's what soldiering is all about; Kill Gadaffi, Kill the Labour Party, Kill all the Niggers,  Invade Lisbon and kill all the police. It's a man's life in the modern army.

Asked by the BBC's political editor, Sgt. Nick Bilko.

 NICK ROBINSON OF BRITISH CIA BROADCASTING.
I AN AN ABSOLUTELY NEUTRAL, APOLITICAL TORY.

if he was overstepping his mark, in seeking to determine policies which were clearly the reponsibility of his civilian political masters, General Richards, said that as a proper soldier he led from the back, but shouted as though he was up the front. Which he tried not to be.


BRITAIN MUST ATTACK JOCK, SAYS FORMER DEFENCE CHIEF.

GENERAL SIR MIKE "MIKE"  WHACKO-JACKO.
I WAS BORN AND BRED TO KILL SCOTCHMEN.

It is the only way, said Brigadier General Sir Rupert Golightly-Jockstrap,  in his deep, brown voice, that we can defeat the Northern Menace. Look, you simply can't have two armies in the one country, said Whack-Jacko, described as a soldiers' soldier, the one lot dressed-up in skirts  and not wanting to go to war unless they feel like it, which is what Tribesmen's leader, Salmond, wants.  They wouldn't have gone into Kosovo, or Iraq, or Afghanistan;  what kind of shit is that, them sitting up there on our bases with our guns and deciding that Nae thank ye, see you Jimmy, I dinnae feel like ganging awa tae' yer wars, the noo?  It's fucking rubbish, that's what it is, (and it is, ed.) And if that fat, heathen bastard, Salmond, wants an army he'll just have to raise one from scratch.  He's not having mine.  Every British soldier swears an oath of allegiance to good Queen Brenda, God Bless Her and Long May She Reign And Keep That Intolerable Gabshite Charlie Off The Fucking Throne - do you know he was banging the arse off a fellow-officer's wife, went on for fucking years, not the done thing, not in this man's army, doesn't matter that she had a face like a fart with skin on it,  doesn't matter if the filthy slut was gagging for it, there is such a thing as esprit de fucking corps -  and not to that bloated, cross-dressing fuckpig with the verbal diarrhoea. What the fuck does he know about shit?

 But the First Minister repeated his claim at the weekend that Scotland and the Scottish people had elected him to serve in the best interests of  Scotland and the Scottish people, a claim reiterated without end on all TeeVee channels by his bitch, Ms Nicola Moustache,

 
FIRST MINISTER SALMOND AND DEPUTY FIRST MINISTER,
NICOLA STURGEON.

that the SNP had been elected by Scotland and the Scottish people to serve in the best interests of Scotland and the Scottish people.  In a rare interview with Newsnight - he's normally tucked up in his wee bed wi' his wee Mammy -


FIRST MINISTER ALEC TUMMYBELLY AND HIS WEE MAMMY.

the Chief Tribesman told Jeremy Paxman, As you know, Jeremy Paxman, the people of Scotland and the Scottish people have elected me to govern and serve in the best interests of  the People of Scotland and the Scottish People and that's just what I'm  gonnae do, the noo.

You know, he said, exasperatedly, it's no' aboot tartan an' shortbread, it's aboot mekkin Scotland and the Scottish people intae a smart, succesful,  wee nation, if I may say so, Jeremy Paxman, like Iceland or Ireland or Trinidad, only not so hot, obviously, or cold,  in the case of Iceland,  or pigshit stupid as in the case of Ireland and that's what I'm going to do, that's why I was elected by the People of Scotland and the Scottish people. And no, Jeremy Paxman, it wasnae fuck all tae do wi' folks bein' utterly pissed off wi' yon toilet-creepin', Liberal fucking Democrat cocksuckers.  The people of Scotland and the Scottish people elected me to govern in the best interests of those self-same people of Scotland and the Scottish people.  The people of the United Kingdom?  Well, forgive me, Jeremy Paxman, but what exactly is that the fuck tae do wi' me? Still one country? In yer dreams, man, in your dreams. Barnett Formula? Well,once we have control of our oil and everything then everybody here, the Scottish people and the people of Scotland, will be able to have everything for free. And as to  your substantive question,  the people of Scotland and the Scottish people, under my rule, could share our defence equipment, our infrastructure and  our bases following separation from the UK, although, I, of course  would decide how Scottish servicemen would be deployed.


GENERAL SIR MIKE "MIKE" BOTOX.

See, see  what I mean, said an angry Sir Whacko-Jacko, man's a dangerous fucking loony. "I, of course would decide how Scottish servicemen would be deployed," what the fuck kind of a British Army would that be? No, there's only one way.  Nuke the beetle-browed, inebriate, cross-dressing, wife-beating, child-molesting, jailbird, good for fuck all, lazy ginger fucking inbred  bastards. They've  been asking for it for a thousand years, filthy little savages.

BRITAIN MUST ATTACK OWN TROOPS



It's the only way, said military historian, former editor of the Daily Filth-O-Graph, pundit, tosspot and all around arsehole, Field Marshal Sir Max Hitler Hastings, VC and bar, in his deep,  brown voice, this covenant nonsense, it has to be stopped, strap a few of the blighters to a gun carriage and blow their guts over Aldershot, that'll do the trick. Paras, artillery, infantry, makes no difference.  Flog a few of them around the Fleet, hang 'em from the yardarm. Strike now before this Covenant nonsense takes root.  Strike off a few heads on Tower Green.  And may I say, before I continue,  Thank you, David, for having me on the programme and I am delighted to answer that question or indeed talk about any old fucking rubbish, just as long as the cheque is in the post before I leave the studio. But back to Mr Numbskull's question. When I was editor of the Filth-O-Graph we would have had no truck with any of this covenant nonsense. And I'll tell you why. And you can trust me on this because I am an eminent miltary historian.  The Battle of Waterloo was not won by any woolly-minded, airy-fairy  covenantism, no, it was won because the troops were scared of the officers and NCOs at least as much as they were scared of the Frogbastards. And that's the sort of army we need, one that knows its place, not one that knows its rights. Soldiers, they have a right to die for Queen and Country, and that's the only one that counts. Once we start interfering with that we are heading for uncharted waters. We'll have the blighters referring to the Covenant Manual, other ranks for the use of, to see if they should obey a lawful order or not, or even, come to that, an unlawful one. Once you start giving rights to troops it's the thin end of the wedge, and other cliches denoting imminent peril. It's like How long is a piece of string. Or Give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile, The studio audience knows what I'm on about,  Rights for soldiers  I very much think it's a slippery slope.

But don't get me wrong, continued Field Marshal Sir Max, described by colleagues and comrades as a wankers' wanker, in his deep, brown voice; no, don't get me wrong,  the officers have always been given fancy houses and uniforms and the best medical care and all the school fees, a small army of servants and drivers and so on, even, in some cases, a batman to tend to the General's, shall we say, pressing personal need for physical correction, what,  and of course a handsome pension and retirement home awarded by a  grateful nation, together with a few lucrative seats on the boards of munitions manufacturers. And that's all well and good. But once you start trying to do the same sort of thing, even on a lesser scale, for Tommy, he gets confused, you see, and it'll all end in tears. Tommy's job is to do what he's told, when he's told and be grateful that he's not on the dole in some Northern shithole.  That's the way it's always worked. And do you know what, my guess is that whatever Mr Cameron and Mr Fox say now, that's the way it'll continue.

(The Any Questions Panel Sings)

Some talk of Alexander a-and some of Her-er-cules
Of Hector and Lysander
And such great names as these
But of all the world's great he-er-oes
There's none that ca-an compa-ar-er-er
With a tow-row-row-row-row-row-row
To the British Gre-en-adiers.


Field Marshal Sir Max dressing up iin soldier's clothes.

Max, performing  his one man show, How I Won the Falklands War,
is currently available  for Office Parties, Birthdays, Wedding Receptions & c.
Only not Bar Mitzvahs.


6 comments:

Penny Ghent said...

That certainly accounts for a lot of it, sir.

Mike said...

The only impressive one in that otherwise rogues gallery is the German paratrooper.

yardarm said...

Not too far in the future Salmond, now Life President for Scotland, Master of the Isles and Bright Star of Caledonia will require an army of Gut Men to scour the land, demanding tribute at gunpoint from the starving inhabitants to maintain his colossal flab in the style protocol dictates, when he throws banquets at Holyrood for the Bolivian Deputy Assistant Minister for Trade and Some Bloke Who Once Met Fidel Castro.

Perhaps when he has finally burst a UN Relief Force will discover in the freezers in Holyrood the misshapen severed heads of Gordon Brown, Tavish Wotzisname and Malcolm Rifkind; their carcasses long since consumed by the McBokassa of the north.

Rightwinggit said...

I notice that a shit parent recently said that she thought the kids had been drugged so that they did not raise the alarm.

Then it occurred to me that she is an anaesthetist...

Maybe someone got the dose wrong on Maddie?

Dick the Prick said...

I love Max Hastings - he doesn't realise that it's the 20th century let alone the 21st. He's got that Monty Python thing about him, 'Ah, brave Sir Max, he bravely ran away'. Apparently he's just done an autobiog about his fucked up family but been quite matter of factual about everything; fair enough.

black hole sunset said...

Mr Git, I was going to draw attention to the very same remarks. They were sailing dangerously close to the truth, for once; it almost felt like you could reach out and touch it.